Parents often view their child’s anxiety as the enemy. But this could be the key to building the confidence kids need to be resilient and grow into happy, successful adults, says clinical child psychologist Kathryn Hecht.
Hecht said a “fundamental misconception” about her work is that she can “remove” patients’ anxiety. But, she points out, “anxiety is a major human emotion and is present in everyone whenever something is new or uncertain.” Hecht, who specializes in using exposure therapy to treat anxiety and obsessive-compulsive disorders at the Anxiety Treatment Resource Center in Bloomington, Minn., says the best way to help children cope with anxiety is to create an environment where they can safely confront their fears.
In her work, Hecht uses a simple two-step formula to help children use anxiety productively. “Anxiety + Courage = Confidence,” she says. She says children can gain a lot of confidence when they realize they can handle things that once scared them without parental intervention.
Parents must make their children feel anxious
Parents are instinctively “hardwired to respond to children who are struggling,” Hecht said. But in rushing to help a child, she added, “we inadvertently deprive the child of the opportunity to learn whether the situation is safe.”
Without realizing it, your actions may be telling your children that you don’t trust them to solve problems on their own. Hecht said she tells parents to remember that anxiety is “safe, tolerable and temporary.” Experiencing these emotions, she says, is a necessary step in overcoming them.
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However, she advises against swinging too far in the opposite direction. Hecht says you can’t force children to be brave, because children feel a greater sense of accomplishment in the face of fear when it’s the result of their own motivation and actions.
“If you’re trying to discourage your child from high diving, pushing him into the pool is not encouraging,” Hecht says. “To build confidence, the child himself needs to take steps in difficult directions.”
Model courage and embrace playfulness.
Parents can stack the deck in their children’s favor by creating “opportunities for courage,” Hecht said.
If your child has social anxiety, help them move forward in low-risk situations. For example, the next time you go to a restaurant, you can ask if they would like to order dessert for their family. Parents can also model courage for their children. For example, if you are afraid of bees, you can calmly push them out the window in front of them.
Another thing parents can do is celebrate and reward the steps their children take to face their fears, no matter how small. “This step towards high diving is something we can really focus on and support,” Hecht said. “To get them to start moving in the direction we expect them to go because courage is often born on courage.”
She encourages parents to create a sense of fun and adventure around courage. Turn facing your fear into a game and let your child focus on their interests and take control. For example, if your child likes math, he can try counting more bees than his siblings and give them all funny names. If you’re worried about making new friends, consider conducting a survey to find out how many kids in your class love your favorite TV show.
She points out that there is no age limit to using playfulness to confront and disempower fear. “This is a toolset and approach that works across a wide range of age groups, all the way into adulthood,” Hecht said.
Achieving life’s most rewarding goals often requires overcoming uncertainty and fear of failure. When children learn how to deal with that kind of anxiety, “they become more confident in their ability to handle whatever life throws at them,” Hecht says. “The future will feel less like a risk and more like an opportunity.”
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