One of the most rewarding parts of being a parent is watching your child grow from a toddler to an independent adult.
But it can also be one of the most difficult transitions. Every parent wants their adult child to still want to make phone calls, still want to come home, and still choose to let their child in.
As a conscious parenting coach, I’ve studied over 200 children, and the pattern I see in parents who maintain deep and lasting bonds with their adult children is about the norms they refuse to live up to.
1. They never tried to control the child
Obedience and connection are two completely different things. From what I’ve seen, connection brings more collaboration than control and builds relationships worth coming back to.
Parents who are good at building connections don’t have to have the last word or be the first to obey. They are often more interested in keeping the door open than proving their point.
It looks like you’re resisting the urge to fix it right away and instead saying, “Let’s figure it out together.”
2. They never ignored the child’s feelings
Telling your child, “It’s okay” or “Stop crying,” won’t change how they feel. It just tells them not to say it out loud.
My parents, who were close by, did something seemingly simple. It’s about emotional relief. That seems like saying, “That was tough.” Rather than rushing for a solution.
The next time your child experiences an unpleasant emotion, lean into the emotion instead of trying to explain it away. Let them be upset without making their upset a problem you need to solve.
3. They never tried to change their child’s personality
One of the biggest mistakes I see parents make is trying to turn their child into a more manageable, more acceptable person. It’s okay to let your child be, even if it makes it difficult for you.
That might look like supporting a child who is more sensitive than expected, or not shutting down a personality that feels “too much.” The key is to avoid making it feel like a problem that needs to be solved.
A child who grows up feeling completely accepted will not look for that acceptance elsewhere. They are close to the person who gave it in the first place.
4. They didn’t connect children’s worth to achievement.
Our job as parents is to let our children know that their worth does not depend on every success or failure.
Don’t just focus on results, wins, grades, etc. Stay connected to who your child is, not just what they’re doing. I’m asking, “How did that make you feel?” After the game, instead of asking “How many points did you score?”, ask “How many points did you score?”
Live in the moment after a failure just as you would after a victory.
5. Never criticized your child at important moments.
Rather than helping a child improve, their judgment often covers up their own mistakes. My parents were there for me and made every difficult moment feel like the right time to pick me up.
Replaces “What were you thinking?” “Tell me what happened.” Don’t jump to fixes, stay curious.
6. They never shied away from responsibility.
Apologizing is powerful. When parents admit their mistakes, such as overreactions or misunderstandings, children know that repairing them is part of a healthy relationship.
It might sound like, “I shouldn’t have talked to you like that. I was wrong. I’m sorry.” Don’t make excuses or put the blame on your child.
Such moments build trust that children don’t want to lose.
Reem Rauda is a conscious parenting guru and creator of the BOUND and FOUNDATIONS journals, now available together in the Emotional Safety Bundle. She is widely known for her expertise in child mental health and for redefining what it means to raise mentally healthy children. Find her on Instagram.
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