If you want your child to grow up to be a successful, happy, and balanced adult, you should pay attention to their level of confidence and self-esteem, says mental performance coach Cindra Kanhoff.
“Confidence is one of the most powerful predictors of our performance, happiness, and success,” says Kanhoff, founder of the Mentally Strong Institute, a mental coaching company for business leaders and athletes. “Improving your self-confidence is a lifelong task because we all face setbacks and adversity that affect our self-confidence.”
Of course, most children don’t easily tell their parents about low self-esteem or when they could improve their self-confidence. But parents should check for red flags, Kamphoff says. What a child says out loud about themselves can be revealing, especially if the child is stuck in a cycle of self-criticism. She added that body language can also be revealing, especially if they are reluctant or unable to express their true feelings.
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Increasing confidence is different from inspiring arrogance. Some psychologists say parents can guide their children toward the former by focusing on praising their children’s efforts and attitudes realistically, rather than focusing too much on their accomplishments and inflating their egos.
“Pay attention to how they react to mistakes and failures,” Kampfoff says. She added that helping your child boost their confidence after a temporary setback or negative interaction should be “one of your top priorities” as a parent. Research shows that this is because it helps children develop the traits they need to become successful adults, such as the resilience to take the necessary risks and overcome ups and downs.
According to Kampfoff, there are three “red flags” that indicate a child is experiencing self-doubt and may help boost self-esteem.
negative self-talk
One tell-tale sign of low self-esteem is when you notice that someone is always “blaming themselves after a failure,” says Kampfoff. It can take the form of vocal self-criticism, such as saying your child isn’t smart enough to learn a new concept or skill or predicting that he or she will fail an upcoming test.
If your child regularly makes harsh declarations like “I’m such a failure” or “I’m so stupid,” Kanhoff recommends reminding them that failures and other temporary setbacks don’t define them as people. Instead, she says, you can teach them to reframe failure as an opportunity to learn something new.
Kanhoff teaches her professional athletes to look back on past mistakes to learn what they should do differently next time, she says. And she recommends literally and physically “trying again” as a way to put that failure in the past and tackle your next challenge with confidence.
excessive comparison
Another potential signal of self-doubt, Kampfoff points out, is when your child is constantly comparing themselves to friends who appear to be better than them. “Comparing is a normal part of being human, because it allows us to understand our place in this world. But we don’t usually compare our whole selves to the whole selves of others,” she says.
Kahnhoff encourages children to focus only on aspects of the comparison that they can control. For example, you can ask, “What does this comparison tell you about what you really want? Or what is important to you?”
The answer can serve as useful “data” for creating realistic goals and a plan to achieve them. Setting goals and working toward them effectively is “one of the most powerful ways to develop self-confidence,” says Kamphoff.
You can also remind your kids that they’re likely trying to fit into an idealized version of the other person, especially if they only get a glimpse of their life on social media or elsewhere.
Body language and decreased energy
Even if a child isn’t criticizing themselves out loud, their inner voice can pile up unhelpful criticism, especially in the aftermath of a notable mistake or setback, Kamphoff said. You may notice changes in your child’s behavior, such as slumped shoulders, smiling less than usual, consistently low energy levels, or refusing to participate in activities they used to enjoy, she says.
Kahnhoff advises parents to model productive behavior and teach children how to manage negative emotions rather than suppress them. Parenting experts often say that instead of telling children to “cheer up,” you can practice naming negative emotions and feelings, an important first step in eliminating prejudice in children.
If a child has trouble expressing their feelings, parents can try to calmly talk to them, Kanhoff says. She recommends a tool she calls “PCR”: Pause, Calm, and Respond. This requires pausing to breathe and calm down before thinking about how to respond to a difficult question or situation, she says.
“You can teach children how to control their emotions, and that really helps develop their self-confidence,” says Kanhoff. “Because it really matters whether children (and adults) can discipline themselves, especially under pressure.”
In extreme cases, these kinds of signs can indicate a mental health problem, such as depression, according to psychologists. If your child is exhibiting symptoms of a clinical problem, be sure to consult your mental health professional.
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