If you’ve ever read a negotiation book or attended a communication workshop, you’ve probably heard of “mirroring.” This means subtly copying someone else’s body language in order to build trust.
They lean in and you lean in too. They smile and so do you.
The idea is intuitive. We like people who are similar to us, and physical synchronization shows connection and common understanding. Done well, mirroring can strengthen relationships and increase trust.
I’ve taught nonverbal communication at the Stanford Graduate School of Business for years, and the most common mistake is to reflect behavior that feels neutral or pleasant to the sender, but seems aloof or even hostile to the observer.
Consider folding your arms. For many people, this is just a resting position. It can indicate concentration, reflection, or even coldness. Therefore, when the person you are talking to crosses their arms, you may instinctively try to mirror that person.
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But when the two of them stand there arm in arm, things change instantly. Instead of connections, we created visual loops of defense.
Mirroring may be successful, but it may be amplifying the wrong signal. The result is an awkward, colder, more guarded interaction, and often neither of you knows why.
“Visual check” tool
To avoid blind mirroring, I recommend a simple habit I call “visual checking.” In high-stakes situations (salary negotiations, performance feedback, important conversations with clients, etc.), don’t just ask yourself, “Am I reflecting them?”
Instead, ask, “Will what I’m mirroring be visually interpreted as being closed off or defensive?”
If that happens,
Please break the mirror. Don’t imitate a defensive posture. Reset to an open position. Lower your arms and relax your shoulders. If you are seated, place your hands visibly on the table or in your lap to encourage them to shift. Often, when you are more open, the other person will unconsciously follow your lead.
We spend a lot of time on the lyrics of our communication and the words we choose to persuade or explain. But nonverbal communication is music. When music sounds defensive or closed off, people stop listening to the lyrics.
Truly intentional communication requires moving beyond simple imitation. Avoid gestures that optically detract from your warmth and presence. Guide your partner back into an open, relaxed position where you can truly connect, rather than blindly following and hunching down defensively.
Matt Abrahams is a communications guru with decades of experience as an educator, author, podcast host, and coach. As a lecturer in organizational behavior at the Stanford Graduate School of Business, he teaches popular classes on strategic communication and effective virtual presentations. He is also the author of Think Faster, Talk Smarter: How to Speak Successfully When You’re Put on the Spot.
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