Most parents know the frustration of dealing with a child’s unexpected public tantrum.
But parenting expert Reem Rauda says parents are often quick to criticize their children’s negative behavior, scolding them for needlessly feeling down, or even telling them to “cheer up” when they’re feeling sad, while ignoring the underlying emotions behind the behavior.
Rauda, an author and certified conscious parenting coach, says focusing solely on a child’s behavior, especially bad behavior, instead of exploring and validating a child’s emotions is a common parenting mistake that hinders a child’s ability to develop emotional intelligence.
“Stop focusing on their behavior and start focusing on them (their well-being),” she says. “Children are not robots. Their feelings are completely ignored and ignored (or even punished).”
Experts often link emotional intelligence to success because research shows that emotional intelligence helps manage the kinds of negative emotions that can lead to burnout, anxiety, and depression.
“Emotional richness is what makes you successful,” Lauda says, adding that parents who ignore their children’s emotional development are less likely to raise happy and successful adults. “If you’re anxious and depressed and don’t know who you are, who cares how much money you have?”
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Rauda says parents need to enforce boundaries, especially when children have emotional outbursts and abuse others. Children also need to be reminded that emotions, whether positive or negative, are normal and it’s healthy to express them constructively, she says.
Lauda says the focus should be on “not making kids feel bad about being angry and not telling them to cheer up when they’re sad.” “The best thing to do is to let them know how they feel.”
For example, you may want to ask your child what makes them act out, break a rule, or cross a previously established boundary. Helping children name their emotions is the first step in developing the ability to manage those emotions, Rauda says.
Psychologist Caroline Fleck says other experts agree. Children who feel heard and not embarrassed about their feelings are generally more likely to avoid negative behavior. “The key is to examine your feelings and then focus on what’s not legitimate: that behavior (and that’s what) needs to change,” Fleck told CNBC Make It in January.
Parents who place too much emphasis on obedience run the risk of raising people-pleasers who may require a great deal of emotional restraint, are unable to assert themselves, and are more likely to grow up to be insecure and unhappy adults, Lauda says.
Rauda, a mother herself, said she practiced naming emotions with her son, even when he was too young to express his feelings on his own. To do this, she says, she asked him if he was angry or frustrated, and if so, asked him to rank the severity of his feelings on a scale of 1 to 10.
And when parents themselves become emotional, they can directly tell their children: “I’m upset, I’m sad.” The goal, Lauda said, is to show children that they don’t have to suppress negative emotions.
“Naming takes away the (negative) stigma,” she says. “It’s just, ‘Oh, I was angry, I was embarrassed, I was sad, I was nervous’… Emotions are normal and healthy and okay.”
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