“We just don’t talk anymore.” This is one of the common complaints I hear in my psychotherapy office from couples stuck in a communication rut. They often say they feel more like roommates than romantic partners.
There’s nothing wrong with asking, “How was your day at work?” However, even if you repeat this every day, you will rarely get past the superficial conversation. Whether your partner responds with one-word answers or a long list of complaints, these interactions can make you feel distant rather than close.
As a therapist and author of 13 Things Mentally Strong Couples Don’t Do, I’ve taught countless couples to foster better communication and build a bank of choices that will help them grow as individuals and as a couple.
Here are seven questions that will help you stay mentally strong and connected.
1. “What did you enjoy most about that day?”
We are wired to remember what went wrong more easily than what went right. So if you and your partner are in the habit of complaining about the worst part of your day, ask for the highlights instead. It fosters optimism and gratitude, which is good for your mental health, and helps you have fun conversations with each other.
Start by volunteering your highlights. “The best part of the day was finally finishing that report. What about you?”
2. “What didn’t go as planned?”
Rather than asking about the worst time of your partner’s day (which can lead to a rant), normalize the fact that plans can sometimes go awry. Asking this question shows that you are interested in hearing about your partner’s challenges.
Some may say, “My big presentation has been postponed to next week, so all preparations for it have been put on hold.” You may learn how they responded to unexpected events and get a glimpse into their emotional state.
It’s often best to listen rather than give advice.
3. “Who made your day easier?”
This question can create a much-needed shift from complaining about an unreasonable boss or annoying coworker to recognizing the people you’re grateful for.
Depending on the day, you may have the opportunity to say each other’s names. “When you pick up the kids, it takes a lot of pressure off of me to leave work early,” or “When you text me at lunch, it brightens up my day.”
As time goes on, you’ll become more motivated to make each other’s days better.
4. “What makes you feel hopeful?”
Hope is good for us. Research provides a strong sense that life has meaning, and hopes to help get through difficult times.
It works at any scale, big or small. The answer might be, “I think I’ll have more time to relax after tomorrow’s sales conference.”
5. “What would make a good night for you?”
After a long day, it’s easy to let work flow into the evening until we’re both scrolling on opposite ends of the couch. This question protects your connection even if you don’t have the energy for a long, deep conversation.
Please be generous and ask questions without an agenda. Your partner might want to take you for a walk, or suggest takeout or an episode of a good TV show. Asking means you don’t have to guess.
6. “What can I take off my plate tonight?”
Strong couples work as a team. One of the best ways to be a good teammate is to ask what you can contribute.
Instead of saying something vague like, “Let me know if you need anything,” be specific and proactive, like, “Could you be in charge of dinner tonight?” You might hear, “Yes, please. I don’t want to make any more decisions today. I don’t even want to decide what to eat.”
Don’t act like you’re doing your partner a favor. The goal is to show that you are focused on distributing the load. Some nights you do more than that, and some nights your partner does more than that. Give and take without keeping score keeps the relationship strong.
7. “What did you do today to become mentally stronger?”
Maybe your partner spoke up in a meeting, set boundaries, or just overcame something they were afraid of. Recognizing their inner strength reminds them of their resilience.
Make it a common ritual to discuss examples of spiritual strength. Let’s celebrate what you both did today and ask another interesting question tomorrow. Because it goes beyond asking, “How was your day at work?” Nightly conversations never get old.
Amy Morin is a psychotherapist, clinical social worker, and host of the podcast Mentally Stronger. She is the author of several best-selling books, including “13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do” and “The Mental Strength Playbook.” Her TEDx talk, “The Secret to Being Mentally Strong,” is one of the most viewed talks of all time. Follow her on Instagram and LinkedIn.
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