According to leadership coach Aiko Bescia, most people navigate workplace interactions on autopilot, sending messages or speaking up in meetings, without really thinking about their reactions until later.
But Beshear, founder of Atlanta-based leadership development firm Rare Coaching & Consulting, says reflexively sending short emails is exactly the kind of mistake humans make. By asking yourself these three questions to reset your brain and conversational reflexes, Beshear says you can avoid mistakes like making the wrong decision on the spur of the moment or unconsciously saying yes to something you really want to say no to.
What do I value? What impact do I want? What is my role in this?
In some cases, you can take a moment to think before engaging in a potentially stressful or high-pressure conversation, such as hitting the send button on a contentious email or attending a meeting with your manager. I encourage you to take this opportunity to start by asking yourself these three questions: People who do it consistently, she says, are better able to assess situations rather than acting immediately, and over time are able to make difficult decisions more quickly.
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Additionally, questions can help you “adjust your words and tone” in real time to ensure that your actions consistently reflect your beliefs, said Beshear, author of “Anchored, Aligned, Accountable,” published April 21.
Beshear framed the question out of her own personal experience of “beyond the bull” in work and life, she says, and her need to find ways to respond to frustrating scenarios in helpful ways. In her book, she cites examples such as working on her cell phone 30 minutes before walking down the aisle as her sister’s maid of honor, and the internal struggles of navigating the workplace as a woman of color.
1. What do I value?
Before you speak in a meeting or send an email, think about who you are and what you value, Beshear says. This allows you to make decisions that align with your beliefs, without doing or saying things that will lead you into a “moment of regret.”
For example, one of your biggest values is doing meaningful work, but you find yourself constantly taking on projects that you don’t enjoy, and your boss suggests yet another project. Maybe your colleagues haven’t raised their hand, or maybe you’ve developed a reputation for not taking no for an answer. Asking this question at the beginning will help you pause and think about whether the project is really necessary before you say yes, or whether there are alternatives that will satisfy both you and your boss.
The idea is to help people make decisions with more integrity, confidence, and self-awareness, and at least partially alleviate the need for external validation, Bethea said. You can’t always say “no” to things at work, even if you really want to. “But instead of just saying yes and doing a tap dance, you can say it more clearly and more intentionally,” she says.
2. What impact do you want to make?
Whether in person or via email, your words have an impact. That’s why Bethea recommends thinking about your impact before saying anything and considering how it will come across to the other person.
According to an August 2024 survey of 2,000 American office workers conducted by language learning platform Babbel, 88% of people said they had regretted the content or wording of an email immediately after sending it.
Maybe you were speaking in an assertive tone to your co-workers. In retrospect, your voice may have been a little too high. During or after a conversation, you might find yourself saying in your head, “I’m sorry. “I know I sound like I’m really angry or upset, but I really just want[them]to understand,” Beshear says.
You can get ahead of such moments by asking yourself in advance, “Who am I? Who do I want to be? How can I stay aligned with that? What do I want the outcome to be?” she says. Next, adjust what you say and how you say it.
3. What is my role in this?
Beshear says you can’t have a real, genuine conversation with someone unless you understand your role in the conversation. Your role “may look different,” she added. Maybe it’s taking responsibility for something, or listening and being open to hard truths.
If you’re an executive requesting feedback from your employees in a meeting, you need to know that your employees may not feel 100% comfortable telling you their opinion. In that scenario, your role would be to create an environment where people feel heard, empowered, and psychologically safe. Similarly, if you present incorrect data at a team meeting, your role in a subsequent conversation with your boss may be to admit your mistake and offer a solution.
Asking yourself this question shows humility and self-awareness, says Beshear, and gives you the opportunity to correct mistakes if necessary. “The ability to say, ‘What is my role?’ It means you can see yourself holistically, or be open to something (someone sharing) with you even if you don’t agree with it,” she says.
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