As communication and language experts, we recognize the power of words. That’s exactly why manipulators use them so effectively. They know what to say and when to make you believe what they want.
But once you recognize the pattern, it becomes much easier to spot it. The key is to know how to read or listen between the lines and realize that phrases that sound sweet, innocent, even kind are anything but.
Here are seven common issues to watch out for in both romantic and professional relationships.
1. “I’m sorry, I’m really upset.”
Now comes the “but”, and that’s the problem here. Manipulators use phrases like this as a fake apology, usually followed by a list of things you did wrong or why your perception is wrong.
It’s a combination of trivialization and gaslighting. We are told that our feelings are not important and that they are not valid.
2. “I know we haven’t known each other very long, but I know this is real.”
This is not necessarily a romance. It could also be a “love bomb.” It’s when someone floods you with loving words and gestures early on to build influence.
At first, it feels flattering. Over time, it often transitions into control. The same person who ruined you can later use that dynamic to undermine your self-confidence. It’s a classic power play.
Although love bombs are thought to only occur in romantic relationships, these types of things can also happen in the workplace. It might sound like, “You’re a genius” or “You’re the only person I like to collaborate with.” The pattern is the same.
3. “We don’t need anyone but each other.”
After the first flattery, the tone shifts to isolated phrases. The goal is to make you dependent only on them.
By framing the relationship as exclusive, the manipulator creates distance between you and those who might provide perspective, making you even more dependent on them.
4. “I’m only saying this because I care about you very much.”
Here is another side of the love bomb. After all the “you’re the only one for me” kind of comments, the manipulator starts criticizing you…but making it seem like it’s just another aspect of love.
You may think you are being valued, but in reality you are being manipulated into agreeing with someone who is trying to frame you. As a result, your self-esteem begins to suffer.
5. “Are you okay?” I’m worried about you. It seems like you’ve been feeling a little unwell lately. ”
When you hear this, you think someone cares about you. they care. Wouldn’t that be great for them? But what may sound like a concern for your health is often not a concern at all.
Rather, this is part of the gaslighting process. Gaslighters try to make you question your own perception of reality. They inject doubt into your thought process and make you feel like you’re not thinking correctly. This is a critical aspect of operation and is often one of the most difficult to detect.
As one researcher explains: Gaslighters make people feel “epistemically incompetent” and no longer able to understand what is true.
6. “I don’t think (your friends/family/co-workers) care about you as much as I do.”
Like the isolation tactic of love bombing, this is also part of the gaslighting process. And this is yet another example of manipulation disguised as concern.
What is the purpose of the manipulator? To discount what others tell you and make you listen to the manipulator as the only person who will tell you the truth.
7. “If that’s what you want to do, do what you want.”
That’s wonderful. There are people who want you to have the freedom to make your own choices and do your own thing.
But a statement that seems so benevolent may never be. Manipulators often use phrases like this when they don’t get what they want, when you’re not playing their game. So they’re saying, “Oh, it’s okay,” but they’re actually saying the opposite.
They are laying the foundation for a guilty pleasure trip.
Kathy and Ross Petras are co-authors of the New York Times bestseller You’re Saying It Wrong and other popular language books, and co-hosts of the award-winning NPR syndicated radio show and podcast You’re Saying It Wrong. He has also been featured in media outlets such as the New York Times, Chicago Tribune, Washington Post, and Harvard Business Review. Follow us on Bluesky.
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