Anyone who has spent time around Gen Z or watched the news about them has likely heard the stereotype that they are more insecure, vulnerable, and spoiled than previous generations.
As a developmental psychologist at Harvard University, I study intergenerational experiences of growth and have heard all sorts of variations on this theme. Yes, Gen Z is struggling. Research shows they are more likely than previous generations to report mental health problems and face greater obstacles to job security.
But I’ve also documented how stories about generational differences can be greatly exaggerated. During our research with co-author Nancy Hill, we studied interviews with college students from the Class of 1975. We then re-interviewed the participants, who are now in their 70s. What we discovered surprised us.
Fifty years later, they recalled their triumphant stories of experiences that got them through college and careers. They talked about the confidence they felt in their career choices. They described how they overcame obstacles with confidence and recalled the warmth of camaraderie and community they felt during difficult times. But when you listen to the tapes, you can see that they felt just as anxious and lonely at the time as students do today.
This gap between memory of lived events and reality is a predictable human phenomenon. According to the peak-end law, we remember the most emotionally intense moments and the end of an experience, and the chaotic middle part fades away.
Forgetting the confusing middle part, the difficult and confusing part of our experience, is not in itself a problem. It becomes a problem when you leave out the parts that young people most need to hear. Every time we tell these incomplete stories, we run the risk of building barriers and making people think, “I’m probably the only one struggling.” Everyone else understood it.
There is a better way when you are talking to young people. Try these four things:
1. Resist the “kids these days” paradigm
You’ll want to say, “Why can’t they understand that? I did!”
Instead, ask yourself: How did I feel the first time I encountered an obstacle before I understood everything? What was it like to fail for the first time? Writing your first heartbreak or rejection letter is more difficult when you don’t have the lived experience to put it into a broader context.
By tapping into the emotions of those experiences, you can enter the conversation with empathy rather than judgment.
2. Talk less and listen more
Don’t assume that your results and uncertainties reflect those of the Gen Z you’re talking to. Ask questions before jumping to advice. Explore the emotional details of what they are experiencing by asking, “What are you most worried about?”
Help them identify the emotions behind those concerns, such as embarrassment over failure, fear about the future, and sadness over losing something they had hoped for.
And give yourself space to process those feelings. Each of these emotions requires a very different kind of response, but allowing yourself to structure the conversation allows you to respond to the emotions as they are.
3. Share your current challenges
When you want to inspire young people, it’s tempting to tell stories from the past. But we can also connect with them based on our current experiences. Instead of telling stories about when you were their age, lean into current stories.
Share a recent challenge at home or work related to what they’re experiencing and how you’re thinking about solving it. It helps them to see the emotions of the puzzle that is still in progress and to know that you can empathize with what they are going through.
4. Remember the messy middle
If you have good examples from the past to share, you can overcome peak-end framing and make it truly useful.
Before you share your story about the class you barely passed in college or the job you really wanted to do but didn’t get it, take a moment to reflect on the emotions you felt.
Lead in that part of the experience and connect with what the young person is feeling right now. In that case, you can still tell them that everything worked out in the end, but don’t let your story make the answer look easy and easy, because the answer is unlikely to come quickly and easily.
By sharing a more authentic version of our own stories, we are much more likely to build connections with young people and equip them with the skills they need to overcome obstacles along their journey. In fact, that’s the part young people need to hear most when they’re struggling and trying hard to figure things out.
Alexis Redding is a developmental psychologist and leading expert on young adulthood. She is a faculty member at the Harvard Graduate School of Education, where she runs the Transition to Adulthood Lab and is faculty director of the Mental Health Program in Higher Education. She is co-author of The End of Adolescent and editor of Mental Health in College.
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