A date is full of small money moments, like choosing a restaurant, talking about travel, splitting the check, and deciding whether a gift is “too much.”
You don’t have to ask how much money someone makes, what their net worth is, or how much student loan debt they have to find out how they approach money and what their financial partners are like.
Talking about money with a potential partner is never just about money. It’s about values, habits, and expectations about how someone thinks a “team” should function.
What not to ask early on
Can you imagine actually asking someone on your first few dates, “What is your income?” or “What is your net worth?” You wouldn’t be surprised if they went to the bathroom and never came back.
Ironically, these questions aren’t even the best way to understand what you’re trying to learn. Some people feel financially unstable even though they earn a lot of money. Some people make less money but have better systems, habits, and boundaries.
The goal is to understand how they think about money and what their values are.
7 money questions to ask while dating
Start with these questions that prompt real answers, stories, preferences, and patterns to more organically reveal their financial mindset.
“Where did you grow up and what was your environment like?” These are basic questions to get to know you, but without pressing too many details, you can learn a lot about the environment they grew up in, family norms, and what they consider “normal” lifestyle. “Tell me about your family. What were you like as a child?” If you open your mouth, people will tell you what they look like. Look at themes such as stability, ambition, generosity, privacy, education, status, faith, and community. These are the things that drive financial decisions. “What was your first job?” This is a simple way to understand the relationship between someone’s work, motivation, and independence. Did they feel proud, pressured, supported, or alone? Were they able to work well with other people? These early experiences tend to emerge in adulthood, including ideas about income and financial security. Your first job often reveals what money means: freedom, security, responsibility, survival. It can also suggest a person’s default habits, such as whether they saved their first paycheck, spent it right away, or used it to help their family. This is a window into how someone deals with uncertainty, and money is full of uncertainty. Two people can be completely different here and still work, but it helps to know what you’re signing up for early on, before life gets busy and you have to make important financial decisions. “What are you willing to spend and what are you willing to overpay for?” Most people have a “yes” category and a “no” category that reflect their values. Find out how they perceive convenience, health, quality, experience, style, generosity, savings, and more. It’s also a great way to talk about spending without worrying about a budget. “What is your ideal vacation?” Vacation preferences are as much about financial expectations as they are about travel. You may find common ground between those who “camp in national parks” and those who “taste boutique hotels and menus,” but when planning a trip with another person, it’s helpful to know early on what that person expects about costs and how they’ll handle it. Do you talk openly about your budget before booking, or do you just hope everything goes well? “What do you like to do when you’re stressed?” We’re not looking for a perfect answer. You will learn how people deal with stress because it changes how people spend, save, and communicate about money. Some people make plans. Some people find it distracting. Some have been closed. Some people spend. What matters is whether they recognize their patterns. Because self-awareness allows us to better manage our actions.
When to communicate more directly
When money ceases to be theoretical and begins to be reflected in decisions that affect the two of you, such as moving, dividing regular expenses, building a joint life, it’s time to have more direct and concrete conversations.
Money doesn’t have to be the third wheel on early dates with someone new. Start with questions that reveal how they think and live, and save the hard numbers for when you build something together. This will help you avoid surprises and make your relationship last longer.
Douglas A. Bone Perth is President and Founder of Bone Fied Wealth, a New York City-based wealth management firm focused on millennials, young professionals, and entrepreneurs. He is a member of CNBC’s Financial Advisory Council. Bone Perth and his wife Heather are co-authors of Money Together: How to Find Fairness in Your Relationship and become an Unstoppable Financial Team.
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