There’s nothing I want more than something I want but can’t have. In fact, for most people, there is a hierarchy of spending:
If you don’t want something and don’t have it, you don’t think about it. If you want something and don’t have it, you may feel okay. If you want something but don’t have it, you may feel demotivated. If you want something and can’t get it, you completely drive yourself crazy.
As I explain in my book, The Art of Spending Money, it hardly matters what that “something” is here. A glass of water to a thirsty person is more valuable than a private jet to a billionaire who has two other people.
All this makes sense if you understand what your brain wants, and you will notice it even more on holidays. Generally speaking, your brain doesn’t want a nice car or a big house. I want dopamine. that’s it.
I leave it to the excellent book “The Molecule of More” to explain this process. “Dopamine is the chemical of desire, always seeking more things, more stimulation, more surprises. In pursuing these things, dopamine is unhindered by emotion, fear, or morality. From a dopamine perspective, it’s not what you have that matters, but what you have. It’s about having something, something new.”
In other words, the brain doesn’t want things. I don’t even want something new. We want to be part of the process and anticipation of getting something new. This is similar to actor Will Smith’s explanation of fame. “Being famous is great. Being famous is different. Losing fame is devastating. It’s not the quantity that matters, it’s the change.”
Do you really need it, or are you just chasing something you don’t have?
This is often seen when it comes to money. When we are young, we dream of owning a car, any car.
When you get a $10,000 car, you dream of a $20,000 car. When you get a $20,000 car, you dream of a $50,000 car. If you get a $50,000 car, you’ll dream of a $100,000 car. Once you have a $100,000 car, you dream of owning many $100,000 cars.
This is almost endless. Billionaires look at millionaires, they look at millionaires, millionaires look at millionaires, millionaires look at millionaires. And what do centi-billionaires want? Immortality.
It’s always just, “What’s next? What’s missing? How can I get to the next level?” You do it because that’s what your brain wants.
It doesn’t mean giving up on something you don’t really want.
Reducing your desires can affect your happiness just as much as having more money. But it’s not just something you can control. It’s a game you can actually win, leading to lasting satisfaction rather than temporary happiness.
Being happy with what you have is the deepest way to enjoy the house you buy, the clothes you wear, and the vacations you take. After all, would you rather be a millionaire who wakes up every morning worrying about what he doesn’t have and jealous of those who have more, or a normal person who wakes up in the morning feeling very content, feeling very joyful, and grateful for whatever he has, no matter how much he has?
My grandmother-in-law was financially poor, but spiritually rich. The difference between what she had and what she wanted was smaller than for people with 100 times more money than she did. Once you see someone master that equation, you’ll never think of wealth the same way again.
Morgan Housel is the author of the new book, “The Art of Spending Money.” He is a two-time winner of the Best Business Award from the American Society of Business Editors and Writers and a New York Times Sydney Award winner. He is a partner at The Collaborative Fund and host of The Morgan Housel podcast.
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