Organizational psychologist Sunita Sir wants parents around the world to understand that rebellious children aren’t necessarily bad kids.
While we want our children to grow up to be confident and assertive adults, we shouldn’t necessarily encourage complete obedience, Sarr said on the Nov. 11 episode of his podcast, “The Good Inside.” “Sometimes being too nice is a bad thing, (and) there are situations where you want people to speak up,” said Sarr, a professor of management and organizations at Cornell University. She wrote a book called “Defy: The Power of No in a World that Demand Yes,” which was published on January 14th.
Parents usually overtrain their children to be obedient and respectful, which makes parenting a little easier, Sah said. But if parents don’t train their children how to “practice” disobedience in legitimate situations, they’re likely to find it “awkward (and) uncomfortable” to stand up for themselves and assert themselves as they grow older, Sarr says.
Children who don’t learn and practice assertiveness are less likely to develop the self-esteem they need to grow into confident, assertive adults who aren’t afraid to speak up to get what they need, author and certified conscious parenting coach Reem Rauda told CNBC Make It in November.
“A child’s dignity – the way he thinks, believes and feels – is truly monumental compared to his obedience,” Rauda said. “We want them to have confidence. We want them to have a voice.”
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Moderately rebellious children may push back against adults who are wrong or speak out against other children who are bullying classmates, Sarr says. If they believe they are right about something, they may respectfully advocate for themselves after being told they are wrong by others (even their parents).
“If we don’t learn how to[be rebellious]we end up saying ‘yes’ too many times,” Sarr says. “We end up being silent (or) submissive and finding ourselves in situations we don’t want to be in.”
Mr Sarr encouraged children to “practice” assertiveness through occasional, purposeful “small acts of defiance” and said most parents needed a “mindset shift” to reconsider how they defined defiance. Being defiant doesn’t have to mean a child is “loud, bold, and aggressive,” but breaking rules, bothering others, or being harmful, she says.
“It’s actually thinking about rebellion as a personality trait,” Sarr says. “It’s really just a skill, and it’s something you can learn through this shift in thinking… There are ways to rebel quietly, so you can live in alignment with your values without being aggressive.”
Redefine “rebellion” and model the behavior you want to see.
In her book, Sir recommends exercises that both children and adults can follow to develop their rebellious spirit. These include questions such as, “What is the line you shouldn’t cross? When did you do something you wish you had never crossed?” It helps them identify situations they wish they had spoken up about and articulate positions they feel strongly about, she said on the podcast.
“If we’re always telling them to follow, how can they actually determine what they really want?” Sir said.
According to Sarr, people who consistently avoid the tension of conflict tend to remain silent during moments of assertiveness and later regret their inaction. Asking children these questions may help them take a principled stance the next time they see a group of friends bullying another student, she says.
Finally, Sarr noted that parents need to model the positive and assertive behavior they want to see in their children. That could mean anything from politely returning an incorrect order at a restaurant and having them serve you what you originally ordered, to having the courage to tell your boss you can’t work the weekend because you refused to miss your child’s school play.
“Those lessons stay with us and we remember it, and we also remember how our parents acted,” Sir said.
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