Everyone loves a good party. And the best parties usually have at least two key ingredients. It’s a polite host and a respectful guest.
But in a world where parties include everything from birthdays, engagements, and housewarmings to pet adoptions, divorce finalizations, and reality TV reunions, some of the traditional etiquette guidelines that make parties fun and heartfelt for everyone may be outdated.
For example, hosts who ask guests to pay for a party may be disappointed. Guests who don’t show appreciation or respect for the host’s efforts can also create a bad atmosphere.
Here are eight tips for hosts and guests to avoid common party mistakes, from two etiquette experts.
For party organizers
Whether you’re tying your apron strings or rolling out your festive towels, here are our experts’ four tips for hosting your event successfully.
1. Make changes carefully
Invitations have been sent out, RSVPs have been collected, and it’s almost time for the party. But after some thought, you may want to change the venue, theme, or guest expectations, such as changing from a catered dinner to a potluck style.
If you do, be sure to clearly communicate the change to your guests and don’t be offended if they retract their response, Diane Gottesman, nationally recognized etiquette expert and founder of the Protocol School of Texas, tells CNBC Make It.
“When you change yourself, you have to take others into account,” she says. She doesn’t usually support guests changing their RSVPs after notifying the host, but she thinks it’s acceptable if the host significantly changes the party’s agenda.
“If you change your mind, chances are[your guests]will change their minds, too,” she says.
2. Don’t ask guests for money
Some party organizers may think it’s okay to ask guests for financial help to cover the cost of the celebration. But Elaine Swan, founder of the Swan School of Protocol and author of Elaine Swan’s Book of Modern Etiquette, says that’s not the case.
“You shouldn’t have someone help you pay for something you’re hosting,” she says.
She says there’s a difference between a potluck-style event or a group dinner where everyone orders together and everyone pays their own way, and a party you plan and host.
“When you host something, you are the host,” she says. “Everything should be done together, unless it’s potluck style.”
Gottsman agrees. She says it’s okay to ask for money if guests know what to expect, such as at a group dinner at a restaurant. But in that case, “it’s also clear that you’re not really the host, but the coordinator,” she says.
3. Don’t let guests do the work
While it’s perfectly acceptable for guests to offer to help set up or clean up before the party, Swann says hosts shouldn’t expect that. “Don’t make people work,” she says.
To be a good host, she says, it’s important to have the space ready to take the pressure off of having to participate in preparation when guests arrive.
“That doesn’t mean you can’t add some heat to the last few things or add some embellishments, but be prepared to some extent,” says Swan.
Similarly, if a guest offers to help clean up after the event or automatically starts washing the dishes or taking out the trash, organizers should make it clear that this isn’t necessary, Swan says.
4. Be present and set boundaries
Having your home and other spaces ready when your guests arrive will ensure you’re there when the party starts, says Swan. It added that hosts should start the party at the agreed time and not keep on-time guests waiting if others are late.
“I respect the people there,” Swan said.
Additionally, Swann recommends hosts be transparent about boundaries and plan accordingly. For example, if you don’t want them to stay late, it’s a good idea to have a clear deadline for leaving, she says.
For party guests
Attending a party can be less stressful than hosting one yourself. But that doesn’t mean there are fewer etiquette rules to be aware of. Here are Gottsman and Swan’s four tips for being a polite guest.
1. Ask what you can bring.
Asking if something can be added to the party price “is not an outdated etiquette rule,” says Gottsman.
Some hosts might say, “Don’t worry,” while others might say, “A bottle of wine is great.” Either way, it’s polite to offer to remove a small item from the host’s plate, says Gottesman.
If a host explicitly asks guests to bring a side dish or snack and they don’t have time to stop at a store, it’s polite to offer to tip economically, she says.
2. Respect the host’s wishes
However, if the host tells the guest not to bring anything, “please don’t bring anything,” Swan says. Your mother may have told you to never show up empty-handed to a gathering at someone’s home, but if the host explicitly says not to do so, stick to it.
“That means the host prepared the menu,” Swan says. “They combined everything. They don’t need your contribution. They only want your presence.”
The same goes for cleaning up after the party. If you offer to help with the dishes or clean up and the host declines, “do what they ask and stay out of their way,” she says. “When someone tells you no, it means they don’t want you to touch their stuff.”
3. Bring a present
A bit contradictory to the advice not to bring anything if nothing is requested, Swan says you should bring something small to show your gratitude to your host. It could be a bottle of wine, a candle to your home, or something to show your appreciation for the hospitality.
But if you bring wine or other food, “the gift shouldn’t be expected to be paired with a meal,” Swan says. Make sure the recipient understands that it is purely a gift to the host and their family.
4. Be considerate
It may seem obvious, but many party hosts will tell you horror stories of guests tracking themselves through the mud or running out of gravy for dinner. When you are invited into someone’s home, be sure to respect their space and resources.
For example, only put food on your plate that you know you’ll eat. “If you offer it, you eat it,” Gottsman says.
Ms Swann agreed, adding that guests should “always behave in moderation”.
“If you’re pouring a glass of wine for yourself, pour just the right amount. If you’re putting food on a plate, put the right amount on the plate,” she says. “(You) can always go back and get more…in moderation.”
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