Money can be a factor to some extent when choosing a romantic partner. From deciding who will pay for the first date to figuring out how to split the bills when you move in together, money will come up many times during your relationship.
According to a recent Harris Poll survey of more than 2,100 Americans age 18 and older, 74% of single adults say financial security is one of the most attractive characteristics in a partner, and 60% say financial compatibility is more important than chemistry in today’s economy.
Financial compatibility is important in relationships because money doesn’t just shape your lifestyle. How you approach and manage money often reflects other personality traits and attitudes, says Valerie Galinskaya, director of the Merrill Family Wealth Center, a specialized group within the wealth management firm Merrill Lynch. The group provides education, insight, and guidance to ultra-wealthy families.
“It often represents other things, like love, control, and power. And if individuals, especially couples, don’t take the time to really think about it, they’re not really setting themselves up for success,” Galinskaya says.
According to the Harris Poll, common red flags in daters include expecting the person to pay for everything and having bad spending habits. For some, these kinds of concerns may be a deal breaker, Galinskaya says, but if you decide you still want to continue the relationship, they can be worked through together.
However, she identifies other factors that may indicate that you and your partner are financially incompatible. Here are three things to keep in mind.
1. Lack of willingness to share information
Galinskaya says you don’t necessarily need to talk about your salary or how much debt you have on the first date. But as the relationship progresses, she says, a “lack of willingness to disclose” can “represent a really unhealthy pattern.”
She stresses that there is a difference between “privacy and secrecy”, but adds that if one partner is hiding things such as unmanaged debt or lack of savings, it can be difficult to set and achieve goals such as buying property or retiring together.
Relationship and money experts agree that transparent conversations about money are the key to a successful relationship.
“Once you and your partner know how to talk about money, everything changes,” writes Ramit Sethi, a self-made millionaire and money expert, in his book Money for Couples.
“Strong couples know that dealing with money together is about values, trust, and communication,” writes Heather Bonepers, director of business and legal affairs at Bone Fide Wealth and co-author of Money Together.
2. Management issues
Particularly early in a relationship, Galinskaya says it can be a sign of incompatibility when one partner tries to control the other’s financial decisions.
“We all have different degrees of control we want,” she says. “But in my experience,[too much control]can reflect deeper trust and control issues that aren’t limited to money.”
Additionally, according to the National Network to End Domestic Violence, having tight control over your partner’s finances can be a sign of financial abuse, a type of domestic violence. If you think you may be a victim of financial abuse, please contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-SAFE or visit its website.
Couples in long-term relationships should try to make joint decisions when it comes to money, but problems can start to arise if they want to make their own decisions and “all of a sudden your partner feels entitled to a very strong opinion,” Galinskaya says.
3. Ambition Gap
Galinskaya says you and your partner don’t need to earn the same or similar incomes to be compatible, but your views on productivity and ambition need to be more aligned.
If one partner is career-oriented and the other is in and out regularly or has no desire to continue building their career, “that can be a sign that that person isn’t someone who can really contribute,” she says. “Contribute their insight, time and effort to the relationship, not just financially.”
One strategy Galinskaya suggests is for couples to start by defining what success means to them, whether it’s starting a business together or having enough savings for retirement. If you don’t first communicate your goals to each other and review them regularly as your lives and priorities change, you’re unlikely to achieve those goals, she says.
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