Over the past 10 years, I’ve hosted over 770 dinners, inviting everyone from Fortune 500 executives to strangers who just needed a table.
My work and mission has always been to help people build community and feel a greater sense of gratitude. I love seeing new relationships form, whether it’s a work connection or a new friendship.
A pattern I’ve noticed is that the people with the highest emotional intelligence attending events don’t care about seeming like the smartest people in the room. Their number one priority is to make the person they’re talking to feel seen and understood.
Here are eight fun phrases that emotionally intelligent people use to turn small talk into genuine connection.
1. “This seems like something very important to you.”
This is an invitation to go beyond the surface. This shows that you are paying attention not only to the other person’s words, but also to the feelings behind them. This shows that you are attentive and trustworthy.
2. “Your eyes light up when you talk about this.”
People rarely know how they met, but this is your chance to tell them. Giving non-verbal cues back to the other person, whether it’s a genuine smile or a subtle change in posture, is not only a great compliment, but also helps the other person in the conversation clarify where their passion lies.
3. “I really liked the way you phrased that question.” That’s very unexpected.
People with high emotional intelligence value curiosity. This statement shows that you’re not just looking for a simple, agreed-upon answer, but want to know more about what the other person thinks.
In planning these dinners, I’ve found that seeing how someone asks questions is a great way to gain a deeper understanding of who they are and what drives them.
4. “I’ve never thought of it that way.”
Similarly, don’t be afraid to say “I don’t know” or “I didn’t think about it.” These reactions show that you are open to challenges.
Emotionally intelligent people don’t always have to be right. They believe that life is more interesting when you allow yourself to collaborate and discover. This sense of humility attracts them.
5. “What made you laugh today?”
Instead of “How was your day?” you may end up with a vague summary and end the conversation, but this question gives the other person a chance to recall a specific moment of joy. It’s the small changes that cause gratitude and deep reflection. It’s also an easy way to stay alive in the moment.
6. “Who on your team is doing something worthy of praise?”
This was inspired by the work of my friend Michael O’Brien. He is an organizational expert and executive coach who has developed a framework for reversing negativity bias called Appreciative Inquiry.
We’re always on the lookout for problems, but when we get people to clearly explain what’s actually working, we help them understand what’s possible.
This phrase is perfect when you’re in an office or networking context. This helps build a workplace culture that is driven by recognition rather than criticism.
7. “Can I slow down that part?” I don’t want to miss it. ”
We live in a world where we tend to get caught up in instant gratification, but emotionally intelligent people know how to slow down and be generous with their time.
This phrase shows that you care enough to pause and lean in. This is when a break can actually be beneficial to the new relationship.
8. “Please tell me more…”
My friend and mentor Felipe Gomez, one of the most emotionally intelligent people I know, uses this phrase to me all the time. I’ll share some half-baked ideas and he’ll just say, “Tell me more.”
It allows me to think more broadly and go in any weird, whimsical direction I want without fear of judgement.
All of these phrases will help turn everyday interactions into moments of true intimacy and trust. However, if you find yourself in a new social situation and can’t think of anything, don’t worry about saying the “right” thing. Find ways to show the people you’re with that they’re important to you.
Chris Schembra is the founder of 7:47 Gratitude Experience, a consultancy that helps Fortune 500 companies and global leaders build stronger cultures of empathy, trust, and belonging. A Wall Street Journal bestselling author and international keynote speaker, Chris writes about resilience, leadership, and gratitude as a strategy for business growth.
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