Workplace conflicts can be uncomfortable, but managing them effectively is essential to your success, says workplace expert Henna Pryor.
Whether you’re looking for a raise from your boss or receiving difficult feedback from your colleagues, try to remember a handful of reliable phrases.
If you can navigate the conflict well, your colleagues will see you as someone who can calm you down under pressure, take accountability, and help you resolve the issue, Pryor adds. The more people want to work with you and ask for your opinion, the more influential you are.
CNBC surveyed a group of five communications experts, including Pryor, who shared their favorite phrases used in three types of workplace conflicts.
When you need to start a difficult conversation
Pryor says that approaching a peer or manager about an issue can be daunting. If you need to start a potentially tricky conversation with a colleague, try using a phrase that lets other people know you’re on the same problem-solving team.
“I’m uncomfortable from head to toe, but I feel that’s important…” He acknowledges the ease and nasty at the start of the conversation, emphasizing that others have issues you need to solve together. Many conflicts can arise from misunderstanding. Looking for clarity when something feels vague can both help you set you on a mild path to adjusting your goals, Pryor says. Washington, DC-based career and leadership coach Phoebe Gavin can ask him to practice with someone he trusts if he knows there are tough conversations going down his path. Next, ask if you are open to providing feedback. “Anxiety is (completely) a normal emotion and a sign of investment,” she explains. “Saying it out loud will humanize you and get useful support for you.”
When someone has a problem and approaches you
If a peer or boss approaches you about a problem, try asking a few questions to understand the main obstacles before trying to solve the big problem first, suggests Matt Abraham, lecturer of organizational behavior at Stanford University.
“What does success look like?” Abraham says he asks this question so that he can better understand other people’s goals. That way he can provide guidance that is consistent with their goals. “How have you handled this situation in the past?” Once Abraham has a firm grasp of the problem, he tries to encourage others to relate it to his own experiences. “[These questions]focus on collaborations on common goals that keep people away from personality challenges,” he says. Use this phrase if others are emotional, or you are too busy paying your full attention, says Allison Wood Brooks, an associate professor at Harvard University who studies negotiation and conversation skills. If you have time to prepare, find a neutral, private place for further discussion. “It’s extremely difficult to make conversation progress when your temper is on fire,” says Wood Brooks. It’s never painful to take minutes or days to cool back.
When you need to keep cool during differences of opinion
If you notice high emotions during a workplace discussion, you can redirect the conversation by expanding the phrase to make others laugh or hear them.
“I want to make sure I understand.” The most important thing to remember in the face of a conflict is to first and repeatedly examine other people’s feelings and perspectives. “What’s most important to you in this situation is to rephrase the most central point in other people’s discussions. Use this phrase if the person you’re talking to appears to be particularly vulnerable or upset. Wood Brooks says he leads with empathy. “What dare you!” You can also respond playfully if the tone of the conversation is generally light-hearted, Wood Brooks adds. “I like to say this when someone raises a spicy or controversial point, but you have to drip it with obvious and excessive irony,” she says. “Hopefully it’s always going to get a laugh. It helps cut (tension) right away. “I love what you said. It takes courage. Let’s deal with this.”
Most workplace conflicts “result from expectations, priorities, or incentives of discrepancy,” Gavin says. When you can effectively talk about them and bring those inconsistencies to the surface, “You can resolve them and unlock progress.”
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