If you think being a kid is hard these days, you’re right. High rates of depression, anxiety and chronic absenteeism show that all is not well. COVID-19 didn’t help, but these trends started well before the pandemic.
After working with over 1,000 children as a clinical child psychologist, I have found that these “signals” are best understood as distress responses. Children communicate distress through their actions, just as young children do when they are hungry, tired, uncomfortable, or have difficulty digesting food.
What are the children worried about?
As I write in my new book, Kids Who Are Not Okay, a variety of societal changes over the past few decades have made childhood even more difficult today. This is not a complete list, but a few factors stand out.
School shootings: More than 400 since Columbine, creating a deep-seated backdrop of fear and anxiety for students, educators, and parents alike. High-stakes testing: Educators have long warned that forcing all students to meet the same academic standards while tying those results to teacher evaluations and job security ignores the developmental differences between children. A more effective approach would measure progress relative to each student’s starting point and meet children where they are. Social media and smartphones: At best, they are a distraction at school. At worst, excessive use can harm your mental health. Children today are exposed to the world’s darkest content at a much younger age than previous generations. Lack of mental health providers: In many parts of the United States, children are without care. Long waiting lists are common, and children in crisis can remain stuck in emergency rooms for days, weeks, or even months. Political polarization: The most divided political landscape since the Civil War extends beyond adults. Children will absorb this as well.
we have to rethink mental health
In 1960, psychiatrist Thomas Szasz argued that mental illness was better understood as a “problem of living.” Although a diagnosis can explain how a child is suffering, it often does not explain why.
Viewing children’s challenges as life problems shifts the focus to identifying the cause of the distress and resolving it.
Some of the factors affecting children today are macro issues that are beyond the control of individual parents and educators. However, caregivers can address the “micro” issues that shape a child’s daily life, such as:
Peer conflict, bullying, and social isolation Academic conflicts or unresolved learning difficulties Family disagreements about screen time, sleep, hygiene, eating, and drug use
What does effective problem solving look like?
Helping children requires a different approach than the one many adults were raised with. Here are some tips to consider.
1. Be collaborative rather than one-sided
Imposing a solution without input may seem efficient, but it rarely works in practice. Children are much more engaged in the solutions they create. Collaboration also strengthens relationships and communication.
In particular, children often say that adults don’t listen to them, and adults often say that children don’t talk to them. All these unilateral solutions come at a cost.
2. Be proactive, not passive.
The best time to solve your child’s problems is not when they happen again. Problems are predictable and can be identified and resolved in advance.
3. Rather than focusing on distress reactions (behaviors), focus on the issues that are causing those behaviors.
Children are much more likely to talk about their problems than about their behavior.
4. The result is not a good solution
Rewards and punishments are motivational strategies, not problem-solving strategies. The results are not effective and durable ways to treat depression, anxiety, behavioral problems, suicidality, or chronic school absenteeism.
Caregivers should recognize that children generally want to do well. Therefore, what they need is not more motivation, but adults who will listen to them, understand them, and work with them to solve problems that stand in their way.
When old parenting strategies aren’t enough
If power and control parenting worked for you, that’s fine. But your child is not you.
Children who struggle the most often experience more punishment than many adults will experience in a lifetime. My 40 years of experience working with children and families speaks volumes. A power and control approach usually makes things worse. If something doesn’t work, don’t do it again. Please do something different.
Dr. Ross W. Green is a clinical child psychologist and author of The Kids Who Aren’t Okay: An Urgent Case for Rethinking Support, Belonging, and Hope in Schools. He served on the faculty at Harvard Medical School for more than 20 years and is currently an adjunct professor in the Department of Psychology at Virginia Tech and the School of Science at the University of Technology Sydney, Australia.
Want to give your kids the ultimate advantage? Sign up for CNBC’s new online course, “How to Raise Financially Smart Kids.” Learn how to build healthy financial habits now to set your kids up for greater success in the future.
