If you, as a parent, don’t make building your child’s self-esteem “one of your top priorities,” you can jeopardize your child’s future success and happiness, says mental performance coach Cindra Kunhoff.
“Parents need to be more aware of the crisis of confidence in America today, and they need to get serious about building their children’s confidence,” said Kanhoff, founder of the Mentally Strong Institute, a mental coaching company for business leaders and athletes.
Kamphoff said nearly half of Gen Z workers in the U.S. struggle with insufficient self-confidence, including negative self-comparisons with those around them, citing a study of 750 participants in the 2025 National Survey on Self-Confidence, which she co-authored. Other studies have found similar results, such as less than 60% of U.S. teens typically feel they receive adequate emotional support, according to a 2024 report from the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
Developing confidence in children helps them develop the independence and resilience they need to overcome life’s challenges, learn from inevitable setbacks, and continue to take necessary risks. Research shows that these are all important characteristics of happy and successful adults.
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“When children are confident, they are less likely to second-guess themselves or withhold their opinions,” says Kanhoff, who holds a Ph.D. He has a degree in sports and exercise psychology and has worked as a mental coach for the NFL’s Minnesota Vikings and the U.S. Olympic track and field team.
“When you do this consciously[to improve your self-confidence]you set yourself up for lifelong success,” she added.
Work to build long-term confidence in children begins in early childhood and can continue well into adulthood, says Kamphoff. And research shows that harsh criticism from a parent often forms the basis for a person’s negative inner criticism for years to come.
She recommends two specific strategies that parents should employ to foster confidence in their children, regardless of their age.
1. Help your child recognize and regulate his or her “inner critic.”
Kahnhoff says the majority of American workers struggle with a harsh inner critic, a negative inner voice that can make them question their decisions and inhibit productivity and motivation.
“That voice starts at a really young age,” Kampfoff said. It’s an evolutionary mechanism that brings supposed problems to the forefront of our consciousness so we can deal with them directly, but research shows that constant self-criticism can cause undue stress even when we’re not actually in danger.
“Parents should teach their children how to recognize their own negative self-talk and replace it with truth,” Kanhoff recommends. She uses a tool she calls the “Truth Meter,” which consists of three simple questions.
Is that true? Is that thought serving you? What are more powerful thoughts you can choose right now?
Self-questioning is effective, she says, because our harshest self-talk is often untruthful or a distorted version of the truth, and worrying about it doesn’t help us move forward. By shifting your child’s focus to something more accurate and productive, you should be able to break out of the vicious cycle.
These three questions can also be used for yourself. In particular, Kamphoff says parents should generally try to imitate positive behaviors toward their children. “As parents, we can teach our children how to control their inner voices and set a good example,” she says.
2. “Normalize failure”
Kunhoff said children typically lose some level of self-confidence when they experience setbacks or negative interactions, such as being socially rejected by peers or having trouble learning new skills.
“Most people really blame themselves when they fail,” she says. Teaching children that “there is no such thing as failure” can be a “really powerful” tool for acceptance, as every setback is an opportunity to learn something new and improve your skills and approach.
As a mental coach for professional athletes, Kanhoff regularly teaches the concept of moving forward from past mistakes, she says. In such cases, she turns to another three-step tool she calls “Learn-Burn-Return” to help people move on from failure rather than dwelling on it.
The first step is to identify the lessons to be learned from a particular mistake or failure to avoid repeating it in the future. Parents can ask their children, “What would you do differently next time?” And remind them, “You’re not wrong,” says Kampfoff. Every failure is a temporary setback and does not determine it permanently.
The second step is to move on from your mistakes. Kahnhoff recommends teaching your child an easily repeatable phrase or action, such as physically “shaking it off,” to signal that it’s time to put that negative experience behind you.
In the third step, parents teach their children to use “confident self-talk and body language” to “return” to a more positive mindset. For example, she says, it reminds them of their strengths and how lessons learned from setbacks can help them grow in the future.
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