In an age where the invitations to Partiful seem endless, keeping up with all your friends’ parties and get-togethers can be exhausting, tiring, and expensive. Also, you may want to decline even though you said you would participate.
But if a formal RSVP is involved, is it okay to change the response after it’s sent?
“It’s a promise,” Diane Gottesman, national etiquette expert and founder of the Protocol School in Texas, told CNBC Make It. “If you decide to show up, you should stick to it unless there are extenuating circumstances.”
Elaine Swan, founder of the Swan School of Protocol and author of Elaine Swan’s Book of Modern Etiquette, disagrees. “It’s always appropriate to modify your RSVP depending on what’s going on in your life,” she says.
Here, etiquette experts explain when you should keep your original RSVP and when it’s OK to change it.
“Yes” means you should go
Everyone has been there. You might say “yes” when the invitation arrives, but when the time comes for the actual event, you’re tired, busy with work, or partying too much.
Gottesman says you should still go. If you say yes but don’t show up, you’re likely wasting the host’s time and money.
If you overcommit to yourself, “that’s your fault,” she says. If there’s a chance things won’t work out, be sure to set your boundaries ahead of time, says Gottsman.
Nor is it acceptable to turn a “yes” into a “no” because “there’s a better deal,” Gottsman says.
Similarly, she advises not to turn a “no” into a “yes” if your plans change. For the same reason, we should not back down. The host counts the animals and makes arrangements. She says you should think twice before saying, “Oh, something opened up. Can I come now?”
When you can change your attendance confirmation
For Swann, she says her personal situation should take precedence over attending events out of obligation.
“You shouldn’t put yourself in a corner trying to appease someone,” she says. This is especially true if the reason for declining an event is budget-related. If this is the case, please inform the organizer that you are unable to attend and clarify the reason.
“It’s important to be honest and let people know,” Swan says. “You don’t have to speak to the entire group, but choose the person closest to you, the organizer, or someone who will truly be your advocate.”
Gottsman agrees that “whatever happens in life” and that sometimes it’s okay to change your RSVP. It’s okay to decline if extenuating circumstances arise, such as illness, a family emergency, or a mandatory work event.
It’s also permissible to agree to a plan and then back out if that plan changes, Gottesman said. Let’s say you say yes when a group dinner was scheduled to order pizza and everyone was going to attend. If the host later changes your plans to go to a fancy restaurant instead, “you can cancel; that’s not what you signed up for,” she says.
If you’re already paying spot rates
If you are applying for a group trip, etc., you may be required to make a down payment for shared accommodation, etc. If that’s the case, it may be more difficult to back out after a certain period of time, but emergency expenses or changes to your budget, such as layoffs, may make you want or need to change your plans.
Swan recommends being willing to lose your share of the deposit and trying to “soften the blow” of changing plans. But she says it’s still important to be honest about your reasons to avoid hurting close friends.
“Even if you have budget constraints, it’s not appropriate to ask for a refund,” she says. “If you have money that you put into the trip, let it go, especially if the rest of the group was relying on your donations.”
Gottsman says “something monumental or traumatic” would have to happen for her friend to expect her share of the savings back, such as a death in the family. And if such a tragedy occurs, your friends may offer to automatically refund you and cover your share themselves.
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