For years, bedtime has been the most stressful time of the day. No matter how early I started or how carefully I planned, the night was always chaotic.
I’ve heard the same story from many parents I’ve worked with, and it makes sense. Bedtime is a big emotional transition, and most of us have never been taught how to make that transition.
But as a conscious parenting researcher who has studied over 200 children, I’ve noticed a clear pattern. The happiest and most emotionally balanced children have parents who follow predictable routines that reduce anxiety and strengthen connections. The differences in their behavior are as follows:
1. They relinquish control
Many parents go into bedtime expecting resistance, but kids feel that tension right away.
Parents who experience smooth nights don’t get attached to how long a routine takes or how perfectly it unfolds. When you reduce your control over outcomes, your child’s nervous system will follow suit.
Please remember. Even if bedtime is 90 minutes instead of 30, it’s still a good thing if your child falls asleep feeling safe and calm.
2. Connect before disconnecting
Stalling, clinginess, tantrums, and irritability at bedtime can be signs of separation anxiety. Parents who understand this slow down the last moments of the night. They offer physical intimacy, or a quiet presence, before saying goodnight.
Even just 10-20 minutes of intentional connection can make a difference. From there, you can set clear and warm boundaries. “I’m with you now. After reading a couple of books and some cuddles, it’s time to turn off the lights.”
3. Take the pressure off your sleep
Many bedtime battles are simply about pressure. When children feel that they are expected to “go to sleep” on command, their nervous systems go into alert mode, making it difficult for them to rest.
For parents who are easiest at night, stop making sleep a goal. They focus on creating calm situations. This helps our bodies naturally calm down.
4. They build bridges from night to morning
For children, bedtime can feel like it’s suddenly over. You can ease this transition by emphasizing what you’re going to do next, like “I’ll finish it in the morning,” or “Let’s snuggle again when the sun comes up.”
This allows children to experience bedtime as a pause rather than a loss, reducing anxiety and resistance.
Some parents create this bridge by ending the night with a simple connection point. For example, you might ask, “What are you most looking forward to tomorrow?”
5. End the night with added security
Safety is a signal to your child’s nervous system that it can finally stop straining and start resting. Without it, no matter how tired your body is, you can remain alert.
You can increase safety by saying something like:
“Today was hard, tonight was hard, and I’m still here.” “Today didn’t have to be perfect. You just need to be yourself.” “I’m here. You can rest.”
6. Control your emotions
Finally, and perhaps most importantly, emotionally attuned parents discipline themselves. The evening is when your body is most depleted, so you’re most likely to react unintentionally to stress.
So, pause before engaging. Take a few deep breaths. Ask yourself if you are feeling stressed throughout the day. Calm yourself first, then support your child.
Reem Rauda is a conscious parenting guru and creator of the BOUND and FOUNDATIONS journals, now available together in the Emotional Safety Bundle. She is widely known for her expertise in child mental health and for redefining what it means to raise mentally healthy children. Find her on Instagram.
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