It’s natural to want to comfort your child when they cry. When parents see their children hurting physically or emotionally, they often want to do whatever they can to stop the heartache.
As a dually certified child life specialist and therapist, I’ve heard parents and health care workers tell their children, “Don’t cry,” while wiping away tears during medical procedures and other difficult moments.
It comes from the desire to heal wounds and make things better. However, children may feel that it is not okay to show emotion or shed tears, especially when they are in pain or distress.
Instead, validate your child’s feelings and help them feel safe expressing their emotions and tears. Use these five alternatives.
1. “It’s okay to cry, I’m here.”
This helps children know and believe that their experiences are real and natural.
Being with your children through stress sends the message that their emotions are not scary to you, that you can work through difficult moments with them, and that they can rely on you for real-time support, even when times are tough and uncomfortable.
2. “I can see your tears.”
You may not always be able to understand exactly why your child is crying or how he or she is reacting to the situation. Verification does not necessarily mean agreement. It means “I see you and I believe you.”
One way to validate their experience is to simply mirror what you see. While naming their emotions may be helpful for some children, others may become upset if your label doesn’t match their true feelings. Try naming their behavior or using a more inclusive term like “upset.”
3. “Your feelings make sense.”
When children hear “don’t cry,” they may interpret their response to be inconsistent with the situation, which is often the case.
We want children to trust their emotions and know that their tears have meaning for what they’re going through, whether it’s pain, fear, or loneliness. Sometimes our actions may be out of proportion to the situation, but our underlying feelings are never wrong.
4. “It’s natural to feel sad.”
Parents often want their children to feel happy, but it is natural for them to feel a variety of emotions, including difficult and unpleasant ones. The goal is not to stop emotions, but to help children recognize and manage them.
Helping children understand that crying is not a bad thing and that it’s normal to feel sad, angry, lonely, and frustrated at times reduces feelings of shame from negative experiences.
5. “Crying is a healthy way for your body to release emotion.”
Finally, it’s important to help children understand that crying is a very healthy way to release emotions. Crying is coping, and so is coloring, playing, talking, running, listening to music, and breathing. You can help children try different strategies and find the ones that work best for them.
Use your tears as an opportunity to see your children where they are and help them overcome challenges with confidence and connection.
Kelsey Mora is a Certified Child Life Specialist and Certified Clinical Professional Counselor who provides customized support, guidance, and resources to parents, families, and communities affected by medical conditions, trauma, grief, and the stresses of everyday life. She is a private practice owner, mother of two, creator and author of The Method Workbooks, and chief clinical officer of the nonprofit Pickles Group.
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