Stephanie Harrison spent much of her life trying to get it “right,” pursuing the right school, the right job, the right apartment, and the right accomplishments that would give her life meaning.
But in 2013, she was struggling. “I was unbearably lonely. I had daily panic attacks, developed a stress-induced autoimmune disease, and felt an overwhelming sense of hopelessness almost every day,” she writes in New Happy: Getting Happiness Right in a World That’s Got It Wrong.
At her lowest moment, she wondered why happiness was slipping away and realized she was following the wrong strategy. She started making changes in her life. She moved around the city, researched happiness, and cultivated new relationships, including one with Alex, the man she fell in love with.
When Alex became ill, Harrison took on the role of full-time caregiver. “It was shocking to compare my 2013 self, who felt lost, miserable, and isolated, even though everything was going ‘right,’ to the 2018 me, who felt much more peace, joy, and purpose, even though everything was ‘wrong,'” she wrote.
Harrison attributes this to her abandoning what she calls the “old happiness” and embracing the “new happiness,” a philosophy she describes in her book.
CNBC Make It chose New Happy as its February book club pick because it knows that readers like Harrison seek happiness, not just success.
Here are some key takeaways ahead of Wednesday’s discussion in our private LinkedIn group (you can join the group here and post your questions for Harrison in the comments section of this post).
Old Happy is a “three-headed monster”
Many of us structure our lives around the idea that happiness comes from things like perfection, material gain, fame and admiration, and achievement at all costs.
According to Harrison, there are three pillars for Old Happy culture to thrive.
Individualism: the idea that you don’t need others and must fend for yourself Capitalism: the idea that you must succeed and your worth is based on your work Domination: the idea that you need to compete and win and that some people are better than others
Old Happy is “a kind of mythical three-headed hydra monster,” Harrison writes, “who attacks to isolate himself, work harder, and prove his worth.”
Happiness means pursuing intrinsic rather than extrinsic goals
Harrison explains that one of the biggest lies Old Happy tells us is that pursuing external goals and external approval, such as popularity, conformity, financial success, and physical beauty, is the key to happiness.
But in the end, Harrison writes: “What makes us happy is acting in alignment with who we really are.”
New Happy is about cultivating essential goals that align with your inner values, such as taking care of yourself, learning to love yourself, and building community with others.
The three most important questions you can ask yourself are: “Who am I?” “What should I do?” and “How do I relate to others?”
Helping creates two chances for happiness.
Ms Harrison recalled that people often asked her if running her company, The New Happy, was too similar to caring for others, but in fact she felt the opposite.
“It was my lifeblood, it gave me energy, it gave me meaning, it connected me to others,” she writes. “The more I gave, the more I personally received in return. Without that, I’m sure I wouldn’t have survived those difficult years. I’m so grateful I didn’t wait until life got better. If I had, I would still have waited and would have missed out on so much joy.”
When someone is in trouble, there are two opportunities for joy and happiness. One is the person who needs help, and the other is the person who is asking for help.
“Humans have a finite amount of love, compassion, and support. Asking someone for love does not deplete that limited supply. People are not oil wells. Care is not a non-renewable resource,” she explains. “Asking for help gives you an opportunity to serve others and thereby experience happiness.”
It’s impossible to eliminate pain, but connection makes it bearable
Ms. Harrison often described her experience as, “I’m a young woman caring for a sick partner with a mysterious degenerative disease that doctors couldn’t understand or help.” That perspective was lonely and isolated.
But one day, she says, “I started expressing my pain in a new way: ‘I’m a person with a devastating disease.'” That expansion has created greater connections. She was surrounded by many people who supported their friends and loved ones through their illness.
“I finally grew up and said, ‘I’m a person who’s experienced pain,'” Harrison recalled. “By opening ourselves to the ways that pain unites us, we can tap into another level of compassion for ourselves and others,” she writes. “Connection is what makes our pain bearable.”
Develop your talents to make yourself and the world happier
One of the biggest ways to find happiness, says Harrison, is to understand your talents and share them widely. If you’re struggling to understand what your talent is, Harrison recommends asking yourself some important questions.
“What did my 7-year-old self like?” Write it down, no matter how unrealistic it may seem, whether it’s a school subject, a book or a movie. “Who has a life that excites me?” Borrow their schedule and see how you would feel if you were that person. You think, “Wow, I can’t believe they wake up every morning and do that.” What do I love and come easily to me that others might dislike or struggle with?
Next, reach out to 5 to 10 people who know you, including family, friends, co-workers, and neighbors. Ask, “What do you think my unique talent is?” or “When was the last time you saw me alive?”
“Making our world better is not a soloist’s job; it is an orchestra’s.
Old Happy thrives on the lie that one hero will come to save us and change the world. New Happy is built on everyone coming together to share a precious and transformative gift.
“Making our world better is not the soloist’s job; it is the orchestra’s job,” Harrison writes. “Our orchestra is incomplete without you,” she wrote. “I want you to play a role that only you can play.”
So how can we do that? Harrison recommends looking to the inspiring stories of others and seeing how they lead by example, fight for what they believe is right, reject the way things have always been done, build hope and community, embrace their greatest challenges, and strive to achieve their dreams through one small step at a time.
Then join them.
Ready to dive in? Start reading, request to join our LinkedIn group, and chat with us and Harrison in the next CNBC Make It Book Club discussion on Wednesday, March 4th at 12pm ET.
Do you have any questions for the author? Post it in the comments section of this LinkedIn post (you’ll need to join the private group first; you can join here). Or, send an email in advance to askmakeit@cnbc.com with the subject line “Ask Stephanie Harrison.”
Do you have suggestions for future picks? Send them to askmakeit@cnbc.com with the subject line “Make It Book Club Suggestions.”
