Having a tantrum in public can feel like one of the scariest parts of childhood. The sinking feeling of panic and bewilderment is something almost every parent experiences.
As a mother, former nanny, and author of Transforming Early Childhood, I’ve seen it all in action. Every tantrum and power struggle can feel like a personal failure. And fear of judgment and shame can break even the most steadfast of people.
But what I teach as a parenting coach is that every tantrum is an opportunity to better understand and strengthen the bond between you and your child. Here’s how:
1. Move to a more private space
If your child starts melting down in public, make sure both you and your child are in a safe environment where it’s okay for it to happen. For example, at the grocery store, you might go to a quiet aisle or to the restroom.
Take a deep breath, calm down, and remind yourself that this is not an emergency. Once you know your child is safe, remaining calm is the most powerful thing you can do in the event of a tantrum. Your steady presence is essential to controlling their emotions.
2. Pay attention to the boundaries of physical contact
To help your child feel comfortable during these stressful moments, follow their instructions. Pay attention to how much physical proximity your child can tolerate during a tantrum. Sometimes less is more. If they’re receptive, offer a hug or just sit close.
If your child is hitting you, you may want to hold their hand, but this can sometimes feel limiting and lead to even more upset. One way to help them establish a clearer sense of personal space is to sit with them and place a cushion or bag between them and you.
3. Use simple and consistent language
First, if your opponent is behaving in a dangerous manner, calmly but firmly set limits on their actions, such as hitting or throwing, by saying things like “I won’t let you hit.”
Rather than saying that the cause of the tantrum is being overwhelmed, try justifying it with words like “I know that’s upsetting” or “I’m here to help.”
Keep your language clear and predictable. Then encourage them to express their feelings without judgment.
As the situation begins to calm down, offer some options within your own range. Give children a sense of control by offering several clear, age-appropriate choices.
For example, in a grocery store, these choices might be something like, “Would you like to ride in the cart or hold my hand?” or “Would you like to hold the list or help me push the cart?”
4. Take time to control your emotions
Managing tantrums is not only about controlling the child’s emotions, but also how parents manage their own emotions.
When you have a tantrum in public, people almost always stop and stare. It may feel like criticism, even if it’s just out of curiosity. But before you think about it, focus on what you can control in that moment.
Don’t take it personally. Remember that your child’s tantrums are not a reflection of who you are or how you parent. Let’s change our perspective. Instead of thinking that your toddler is trying to cause a scene, understand that they are actually just having a hard time coping. Manage onlookers. You can choose to ignore them or respond with objectivity and compassion. The simple words “I’m doing my best” have a big impact. Manage overwhelm. If a tantrum in a public place feels too much to bear, it’s okay to move away to a quiet place to give your child time to sort out their emotions and get grounded. This may mean abandoning your cart at customer service or the aisle and going outside or to your car to calm down. Remember that you and your child are both human and doing the best you can.
Devon Kunzman, PCC, is a parenting coach and founder of Transforming Toddlerhood. On a mission to dispel the myth that early childhood is a “terrible” time, Devon wants to help parents navigate the ups and downs of childhood with confidence. She is also the author of “Transforming Early Childhood: How to Deal with Temper tantrums, End Power Struggles, and Raise Resilient Kids Without Losing Your Heart.”
Want to use AI to advance your work? Sign up for CNBC’s new online course, Beyond the Basics: How to Use AI to Supercharge Your Work. Learn advanced AI skills like building custom GPTs and using AI agents to increase your productivity today.
