Mistakes you make when talking about money with your partner

Money is a source of stress for many couples. You might be facing credit card debt or student loans, trying to buy a home, or thinking about childcare.

It might be helpful to talk about it. But people in relationships usually brace themselves for a worse experience when discussing money with their partner than it actually turns out, finds a new study published this month in the journal Social Psychology and Personality Science.

“They expected these conversations to be less fun, less informative, and less socially connected than they actually were,” said study co-author Ximena Garcia-Rada, an assistant professor in the Texas A&M University School of Marketing.

The survey included more than 1,600 married people. Across three experiments, participants were surveyed before and after talking to their partner about money. Repeatedly, they felt closer to their loved ones and more aligned than they expected.

“This misalignment appears to have resulted from underestimating the extent to which we would ultimately reach an agreement with our partners,” Garcia-Rada said.

Garcia-Rada says there are several reasons why people expect conversations about money with their partners to evolve.

They may not fully understand their partner’s core values ​​or focus on potential disagreements rather than commonalities, she said. They may also value previous conflicts.

Money can “sometimes feel more difficult than sex,” says Douglas Bonepers, a certified financial planner and president and founder of Born Fied Wealth, a wealth management firm in New York City.

“Fear isn’t really about numbers,” says Vonepers, who co-authored the book “Money Together” with his wife. “Money represents different things to everyone: trust, control, love, freedom. Talking about money means exposing all of that.”

“People fear judgment,” he added. “So instead of taking the risk, they avoid the conversation altogether.”

But Carolyn McClanahan, CFP and founder of Life Planning Partners in Jacksonville, Fla., says avoiding such discussions is dangerous.

“Money is a huge cause of unhappy marriages,” McClanahan says.

“So by talking about money and building a healthy approach to money together, you can reduce the need for future therapy or divorce,” she says.

Other academic research has found that communication about money can lead to increased marital satisfaction and stability.

Kathy Curtis, CFP and founder and CEO of Curtis Financial Planning in Oakland, Calif., said she was not surprised that study participants doubted whether financial discussions with their partners would go well. She said she sees couples all the time who disagree on this topic.

“For example, one partner wants to renovate the house, but the other wants to keep it the way it is,” Curtis says. “One partner wants to fly business class, but the other partner thinks it’s a waste of money.”

But when there’s mutual respect in the relationship, Curtis said, she can see how those tough conversations can lead to compromise.

“Renovations will probably take place over several years rather than all at once,” she says. “For example, if your flight is longer than 8 hours, business class is fine.”

McClanahan said if couples can be vulnerable together and express their deeper emotions and past experiences with finances, they may be more likely to reach an agreement.

“You should share your financial history to understand each other’s perspective,” she says.

Above all, Bonepers says, you want to approach the conversation with curiosity.

“Your goal is not to win,” he said. “It’s about understanding.”

Mr. Boneparth, Mr. McClanahan and Mr. Curtis are all members of CNBC’s Financial Advisory Council.