Children need to be seen, heard, and believed. So one of the most powerful tools parents can use is verification. When children feel validated, they feel safe. And a sense of safety is the foundation of emotional regulation, communication and connection.
As a certified child life expert and licensed therapist, I have supported thousands of children through challenging experiences including medical diagnosis, hospitalization, sadness, trauma and loss. I have seen the power of verification over and over again.
When the child is upset – whether you agree or not, or you understand, they need to feel like you believe them before moving into problem-solving mode. It helps them move from their emotional brains and then into their thought brains.
Here is my verification statement by age.
0-2 years: “I’m here.”
For infants and toddlers, validation feels more than being heard through tone, touch and presence. They need to feel that your presence is stable even when things are difficult.
Saying “I’m here” and being nearby indicates that you can withstand the difficulties with them. “I’m not going anywhere. You can rely on me.”
You can also pair your words with deep breaths to regulate your emotions.
Years 3-5: “You weren’t ready to leave the park, so that upset you.”
Preschoolers often communicate more through actions than through words. Namening what you see gives you a language they may not have yet.
It is important to set limits on your actions while examining the emotions below. You might say, “You were so frustrated I threw the toy. Can you try a safer way?”
This shows them that their emotions are authentic and understood, while also leading them towards healthier expressions.
Years 6-9: “It makes sense to be disappointed.”
School-age children experience emotions more deeply, but may not be sure their emotions are effective or not.
They need caregivers to name and normalize their emotions, and make sure they feel okay, natural and normal. This builds self-esteem and confidence in the ability to navigate challenges over time.
Years 10-12: “You feel disappointed and want to get through it.”
Elderly children (tweens) can be more complicated. They may also be upset, recognising another perspective.
Verification here means introducing a language for nuance and introducing the possibility of problem solving. Once their feelings are verified, they often have the ability to think about what they want to do next and what might make things better or easier for them.
Over 13 years: ‘That’s really difficult. I’m glad you told me. ”
Teens feel validated if they have space to process their emotions without minimization or immediate correction.
Recognizing their experience and assessing their trust gives them the power to organize things independently, while strengthening relationships and safety.
The safer the teenagers feel, the more likely they are to continue to start about their struggles and seek support when they need it.
Kelsey Mora is a certified child’s life expert and is a certified clinical professional counselor who provides custom support, guidance and resources to parents, families and communities, as well as custom support, guidance and resources that are affected by medical conditions, trauma, sadness and stress in daily life. She is the private practice owner, moms of two, creator and author of the method workbook and Chief Clinical Officer of the nonprofit Pickles Group.
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