Many parents struggle to raise well-mannered and well-mannered children.
But children must also learn to stand up for themselves, even if it means expressing disagreement or discomfort in ways that seem rude to others, says author and certified conscious parenting coach Reem Rauda. She says that teaching children the importance of assertiveness and giving them the space to practice it without fear of reprisal will help them develop the self-esteem they need to become confident, successful adults who are able to voice their needs and opinions without fear.
“A child’s dignity – the way he thinks, believes and feels – is truly monumental compared to his obedience,” Rauda said, adding: “We want children to have confidence. We want them to have a voice.”
Actor Dax Shepard, who recently came under fire for encouraging his two daughters to “talk back” to their parents and other adults, said on a recent episode of his podcast Armchair Expert on Nov. 3 that he wants his daughters to feel safe standing up for themselves. But Shepherd and his wife, Kristen Bell, added that their priority is raising their daughters to be confident women who aren’t afraid to speak up in situations where it’s necessary, such as when working for a boss who has a “disgusting” attitude.
“I want them to be rude,” he said on the podcast. “I want them to always advocate for themselves, whether I think it’s right or wrong.”
In fact, Lauda encourages parents to reconsider their definition of “rude.” Whether you’re a child or an adult, simply speaking up and asserting yourself isn’t inherently disrespectful, she says. Experts say learning to be comfortable asserting yourself, whether it’s avoiding abuse or ensuring your needs are met at work and in your personal life, is a key skill that can lead to greater success and emotional well-being.
Additionally, parents who place too much emphasis on obedience and prevent their children from speaking their minds for fear of appearing disrespectful run the risk of raising people-pleasers who prioritize the feelings and needs of others over their own, Lauda says. People-pleasers are more likely to grow up to be anxious and burnt-out adults, so encouraging that mindset can lead to “many other problems,” she points out.
Encourage respect by “modeling empathy”
Lauda acknowledged that there can be a “fine line” between assertiveness and legitimate disrespectful behavior that completely ignores the feelings of others. The key to raising confident children who can assert themselves respectfully is teaching emotional awareness and empathy, she said, adding that it starts with how children view their parents’ behavior.
She says it’s essential as parents to “model empathy” when interacting with others, from your own children and other family members to strangers. “Be empathetic, considerate, kind, and loving. That’s how children learn.”
To model these positive behaviors, parents can start by talking openly about their feelings and emotions. By teaching children how to verbalize their emotions, such as “I’m happy” or “I’m irritated and frustrated,” they learn to control and be assertive about their emotions, while also developing empathy for how their actions make others feel, Lauda said.
Rauda said it’s also important for parents to apologize to their children and others for legitimately inappropriate behavior, such as getting angry when a child doesn’t listen. In doing so, you teach your child the value of taking personal responsibility, while also modeling empathy, showing respect for your child, and helping them feel valued, Lauda wrote on CNBC Make It in January.
“Kids who are respectful feel respected. Kids who listen feel heard. So start there,” she says.
Finally, Rauda urges parents to avoid forcing their children to say polite things like “please” and “thank you.” It may seem counterintuitive, she admits, but it’s much more effective to model these positive behaviors and trust that children learn by example, rather than constantly reminding and scolding.
“It’s a fine line, but really that’s what we model,” she reiterates. “Assertive kids who are grounded and know who they are and can speak up are what we want. We don’t want to be rude, but that’s what comes out of us.”
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