How to discuss money as a couple: Author of Money Together

Love is complicated. Adding money makes it even better.

But in their new book, Money Together, Heather and Douglas Bonepurse argue that honest and proactive discussions about finances can bring partners closer together and ultimately make them wealthier.

Their book, published last month, begins with an anecdote about a couple on their honeymoon in Positano, Italy, eating a cold seafood salad and, a little later, talking about money. (Mr. and Mrs. Bone Perth were also on vacation and eavesdropping.) It is revealed that the two who were arguing had just discovered that the husband had credit card debt and that the wife’s parents had not paid off their student loans.

Of course, it would have been nice to have these things sorted out before this couple walked down the aisle. But Heather told CNBC that couples often fight over money at every step of the way because “money is more than money.” At the root of these discussions are each partner’s unique history, disappointments, fears, aspirations, and expectations.

Heather and Douglas, who met during their freshman year of college and married in 2013, offer readers advice on how to discuss money with your partner and how to manage your money in a long-term relationship to make it easier to get out of debt, buy a home, and achieve other common and individual goals. Their story involves first understanding what money means to their partners and why, and getting over their illusions about the future and each other.

“At some point, loose conversations have to become concrete,” they write in the book. “Your dreams need a real roadmap.”

Douglas is a certified financial planner, president of Born Fied Wealth in New York, and a member of CNBC’s Council of Financial Advisors. Heather, director of business and legal affairs at Bone Fide Wealth, is an author and former corporate attorney.

The following interview has been edited and condensed for clarity.

Annie Nova: You write that couples fight over money, no matter how much money they have. Why do you think that is?

Heather Boneperth: Because money is more than money. The emotions we associate with money include love, security, independence, trust, and control. This is true for people of all socio-economic backgrounds. But when there is scarcity, we see shame rearing its head in many different ways. I also see partners at odds over what is an acceptable way to earn or borrow money, which may have something to do with your culture and upbringing.

AN: Heather, you talk about realizing that your decision to take out $200,000 in student loans was a big mistake. But by having Doug as a partner, we were able to find a solution. Why?

HB: Debt can feel like a permanent reminder of what you’re missing. Not only with money, but also in other ways. However, Doug co-signed a loan to refinance my student loan debt. This was a more far-reaching action than most my partner could do, because I knew how much debt was affecting me mentally. “Your burden is my burden,” he said.

AN: You also wrote that the thought of being saved makes you “cringe.” Why is that, and what does it have to do with hitting your 40s?

HB: I don’t like the idea that there’s a savior or someone in a relationship who needs saving. It lays the foundation for heterogeneous power relations. Often it implies that the partner who needed to be saved was unable to save himself, and that partner begins to believe it. They believe that they do not have the skills or knowledge to participate in household finances, which is simply not true.

I mention my age here to show that a lot can change in 10 years. I am slowly regaining my confidence.

AN: You write about how important it is to “make space” for your partner. What does this mean from a financial perspective?

HB: Some of our deepest feelings about money come from our personal backgrounds. Now, try to connect those beliefs and actions to the beliefs and actions of others. It’s not easy, and we don’t always take enough time to fully understand our partner’s underlying feelings about money and why they behave the way they do. That’s why you end up repeatedly arguing over surface-level issues like credit card bills, without getting to the root cause of why you and your partner have different views on lifestyle and spending.

I think “making room” from a financial perspective means making room at the table for your partner’s financial beliefs, goals, risk appetite, and opinions about how they save, spend, and invest.

AN: What are the risks of not discussing money together or hiding it from your partner?

Doug Boneperth: Resentment and the breakdown of trust. Hiding financial details from your partner, whether it’s debt, spending habits, or just something embarrassing, won’t keep them hidden forever. Having to explain something unpleasant later only makes it harder to deal with.

AN: How early should couples start talking about money?

DB: The sooner the better. But that doesn’t mean you need to know the numbers right away. Imagine talking about that on a third date? Not cool. But there are many ways to talk about money without talking about it. You can learn a lot by asking questions about someone’s past, such as what they were like as a child, where they’re from, and what they value.

AN: What do you think is the ideal arrangement for couples to share money? Joint or separate accounts? And why?

DB: I find that joint accounts are the most effective way to manage household finances. Promote transparency and teamwork. If both partners can see what’s coming in and what’s going out, it strengthens that you’re in this together. That said, there’s nothing wrong with keeping your own personal checking account. Maintaining a sense of financial independence is very healthy.

AN: How do we overcome the huge differences in wealth and income between husband and wife?

DB: You can’t close that gap unless you first acknowledge it. But if one partner earns more or has more assets, unspoken assumptions can creep in. There, different power relations can become calcified. Instead, Heather and I write about “Fiscal Equity.” Equity means feeling respected and seen for what we value, both as individuals and as a couple. While one person is earning more, the other may be contributing in different but equally meaningful ways, such as managing the household, raising children, and planning for the future.

AN: What do couples need to discuss regarding family property and inheritance? What if imbalances arise here as well, for example, one partner can inherit a large amount of money while the other partner can inherit nothing?

DB: Conversations about family wealth and inheritance can be difficult because they are rarely just about money. They can have a lot of sadness and expectations. The best thing couples can do is treat inheritance as part of a shared conversation. Let’s discuss together what that money represents, what boundaries you need around it, and how it fits into your long-term goals.

AN: There have been a lot of headlines about layoffs in the news lately. How should couples best respond if one person loses their job?

HB: You don’t want to be too hasty in proposing solutions when your partner may still be upset about losing their job. For some people, losing a job can feel like losing one’s identity or power. Those are heavy emotions and need space to breathe. But of course, you’ll eventually have to deal with what transitions and adjustments the loss of income will require in your life.