The worst thing you can ask at the beginning of an interaction is, “How are you?”
You are essentially telling others that interactions are the same as all other interactions. They probably replied, “My day is busy. Good but busy.” It’s boring and generates social scripts.
For the past 17 years I have studied human behavior and what embraces connections between strangers. I have learned that because of the small signal in the first few seconds of interaction, trust can be ignited or quickly vanished.
If you really want to gain trust soon, here’s what to do here:
1. Skip boring scripts
Don’t ask what everyone else wants, like “What’s wrong?” Or, ask a still casual question: “Have you been busy lately?” But look for excitement. This will give you better interactions.
Some examples:
Don’t ask: “How are you doing?” Instead, ask, “What’s your highlight of your week so far?” “Are you busy?” Instead, you ask, “Have you ever had any big wins recently?”: “Have you been working on something recently?” Instead, you ask, “Have you been working on something exciting recently?”
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2. Find the joys of their lives
If you want to create trust with someone, encourage them to tell stories about their lives. They are known for asking others what they look forward to most.
This is my trick:
On Mondays and Tuesdays, I ask everyone, “Did you do anything fun last weekend?” On Thursday and Friday, I will change it, “Are you doing something fun this weekend?” On Wednesday, I will ask, “Are you working on something fun or exciting this week?” Before your holiday or break, you ask, “Do you look forward to seeing you look forward to your holidays?”
My team and everyone in my life know that I’m looking for fun and exciting plans, so they save them and tell them everything about them (or avoid me when life is boring). It’s win-win!
3. How to answer when someone asks, “How are you?”
When it comes to building trust, it’s not just the questions you ask, but also the response you get when someone tries to connect with you.
The biggest mistake I’m making is that when they start a conversation they quickly lead to negative: “This horrible weather!” or “My schedule was crazy!” Instead, save one interesting thing and prepare and prepare when someone asks you a boring question.
Try to respond instead with humor or whims the next time someone asks, “How are you?” You might try a reply like this
“I remembered floss, so I won.” “I’m running caffeine and dreams.”
Essentially, awakening people except the standard “busy but good.”
4. Your body language is just as important as your words
Words are important, but your body speaks loudly. Without crossing the arms, they appear to be open facing squares. An open stance leads to reciprocity. What’s closed raises doubt.
A firm handshake – 1-3 pumps, solid but simple – says you are sure of yourself and can even show your personality traits.
In video calls, we lean a bit to fill the gap. If they nod, try nodding. When you match or mirror your body signals, your brain will tell you that you are safe.
5. Practice in your daily life
Test these tips in safe, low pressure locations, such as chatting over coffee with cashier, neighbors, or friends.
I do it myself before I talk big – with my family at dinner, strangers, Uber drivers on the ride, you name it – and it sharpens the way I meet, making the movement feel like a second nature.
The key is to start small and be consistent.
Try out some questions about positive future plans at lunchtime, or about mirror body language on a walk. Over time, people will find themselves faster, smile more and more deeply attractive, even in short encounters.
Vanessa Van Edwards is a speaker, researcher and author of “Attractive: The Science of Success with the People” and “Cue: Acquire the Secret Language of Charisma Communication.” She is the founder of science and leads workshops and courses on science-based soft skills to help people become better communicators.
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