Almost every parent experiences parental guilt. It happens when we don’t enjoy playing with the kids, or when we lose cool with the kids after a long day. When my daughter was a baby, when I left her in the sitter for the first time, when she didn’t get enough weight and guilt, I felt guilty.
As a psychologist with over 20 years of experience, I know how we deal with guilt can create and destroy our mental health. Parents who misunderstand guilt as evidence of “bad parenting,” their emotions encourage their decisions. Despite your schedule being full, you can refrain from self-care or sign up to lead your PTA.
But those who realize that guilt is merely an emotion, not a harsh judge, but merely approach things a different approach. They examine their guilt and ask where it comes from, so that they do not interfere with their happiness and happiness.
When you feel the pain of guilt in your parents, here are five things:
1. Instead of avoiding that, name your guilt
It is human nature to try to avoid guilt because we feel terrible. Parents often do this by relying on “protective defenses” such as self-criticism and perfectionism.
If you feel too much is wrong, you can try to be the perfect parent and spend time with your child at the expense of downtime. These actions temporarily block feelings of guilty, but they can notice your needs and hurt your happiness in the long run.
Emotionally clever parents don’t let avoid running shows. Instead, they realize their guilt and give them a name.
2. Recognize the difference between healthy guilt and toxic guilt
Healthy guilt helps you to apologise and take responsibility when you snap to your child or hurt their feelings. Toxic guilt feels like you’ve done something wrong even if you don’t have it. It is often rooted in social expectations and childhood experiences.
Research shows that working mothers in particular often feel guilty about not living in the cultural ideal of being a “super mom.” And if your parents stack up on a guilt trip when they express your needs or object to them, you may believe that you are not allowed to prioritize yourself or set healthy limits.
Emotionally savvy parents can identify these two types of guilt. They ask themselves: “Did I really do something wrong, or do I feel like I have?”
3. Riding the waves of guilt
Healthy emotional regulation means allowing people to feel guilt and other feelings. Think about it like this. A fierce emotion is like a wave that sinks after reaching its peak.
It’s easy to feel emotions and ride the waves when your body relaxes. Try to ground your body with deep abdominal breaths. Simply inhale at 4 counts and exhale at 4 counts, bringing oxygen to your muscles, reducing the strength of your emotions and relaxing your body.
4. Approach guilt with curiosity
Emotionally wise parents exercise their curiosity to understand guilt by asking two questions.
What’s going on now that I feel guilty? Does guilt hide another feeling that I am not comfortable with?
Guilt is a restrained feeling, which means you can stop feeling core emotions such as anger, sadness, and fear.
For example, when you miss a child’s school performance for work, guilt may be hiding sadness. Once you’ve identified it, you can cite, examine and work on grief rather than hiding or faesting it.
5. Please kindly talk to yourself
Guilt can cause many negative self-talk. It may say you are the worst parent on the planet, or that you don’t want support and care. These messages create a negative feedback loop.
To challenge these ideas, try talking to yourself as you talk to your children or close friends. Using this question, “What would I say if my child or best friend felt the same situation?”
When answering this question, use the pronoun “you” to make self-compassion easier and consult yourself with the second person.
“You’re doing a great job.” “You’re feeling guilty.”
Guilt is part of parenting. When you practice navigating, you are not only protecting your happiness, but also modeling the emotional intelligence of the next generation.
Dr. Juli Fraga is a licensed psychologist with nearly 20 years of experience with new parents. She is co-author of “Parents Have Emotions too.” She also teaches workshops for pregnant parents at the University of California San Francisco (UCSF) Hospital, where she also oversees psychiatric residents. Follow her on instagram @parentshavefeelingstoo.
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