We’ve all been there: when someone says something rude to you at work, you just freeze. In moments like these, it can be difficult to think of a good response right away.
Minutes, hours, or days after the incident, you may finally realize what you should have said, which can lead to further frustration and regret.
It doesn’t have to be this way. As a communications coach, my best advice on how to prepare for and handle moments like this is:
1. Train like an athlete
In football, quarterbacks train for what are called “off-platform throws,” developing the skill of delivering the ball accurately from all angles. You can do the same with speakers.
There’s an exercise I use with my students to help them learn how to speak purposefully and calmly, especially when someone is hurtful or disrespectful to them.
These steps are intended to create muscle memory of a tall, confident posture, allowing you to feel secure in unpredictable situations.
Imagine your head as a helium balloon and your feet as the thick roots of a towering tree. Next, visualize the balloon rising higher and the roots growing deeper. Practice this for 5 minutes a day. Then add speaking to this and take out a page of motor training using the ball. Stand within throwing distance of the wall. Practice maintaining a high stance, then throw and catch a ball bouncing off the wall. Watch the unpredictability and variety of ball speeds and angles as a reminder to be ready for anything. Continue to throw the ball and speak with deliberate speed, pause, and volume.
2. Pause and calm yourself down.
Next, practice what I call transparency phrases. These are easy to remember and will help you be mentally prepared when you are caught off guard. So you don’t have to react right away or feel like you have to say something you might regret.
Some examples:
“I need a moment to process what you just said.” “Your comment really caught me off guard. I have to think about it.” “That surprised me, and I’m going to let it sink in for a moment.”
Choose one of these that you find easiest to say and stress test that exercise from the very beginning.
Grab the ball and throw it against the wall. Practice holding your posture high and confident while listening to the answer and taking the time you need to think about your response.
3. Take your power back
When someone is rude to you, it’s natural to want to take it personally and respond in kind. That’s not the way to control the situation. Instead, after you say the transparency phrase, what you say next should bring the conversation back to the task at hand.
Take some of the emotion out of your responses by having work-focused terminology. My favorite mnemonic device is the “P” word to help me take back my power. Think of “procedures”, “protocols”, “paradigms”, “plans”, “positions”, etc.
“Going back to the plan we developed…” “Remember the protocols we are working with…” “Let’s take a step back and look at the process that got us here…”
The moment someone uses inappropriate, personal disrespect towards you to assert superiority, they have made a decision to bully you until they reach their desired outcome.
But by returning the discussion to one of the work-focused terms, you can reassert your territory, demonstrate your ability to contribute to the conversation, and gracefully expose the other person’s approach as inappropriate and ineffective.
Combining these three habits will help you stay calm and survive the inevitable moments of rudeness that we all face.
Michael Chad Hoeppner is a communication coach and author of the best-selling book “Don’t Say Um: How to Communicate Effectively to Live a Better Life.” He helps U.S. presidential candidates, CEOs, Ivy League deans, and even high school students speak better when it matters. He is the founder and CEO of GK Training, a communications training company serving Fortune 100 companies, universities, and individuals around the world.
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