In relationships, opposites often really attract. Differences can add novelty and excitement, and are often what draw us to each other in the first place.
But as a psychologist who studies couples (and husbands), I can confidently say: The health of a long-term relationship is determined by what two people actually have in common, rather than how different they are. Common ground is one of the most important ways for partners to develop a rhythm together, and that rhythm determines whether a relationship will last.
Here are five common traits that people in the happiest relationships share with their partners.
1. Share a sense of humor
You don’t have to have the same favorite comedians or comedy movies to share a sense of humor. The important thing is to laugh together and regularly.
Healthy couples often find similar things interesting in their daily lives. They often use humor to their advantage, turning frustrating moments into manageable ones and building a shared bank of inside jokes and references.
Over time, the humor becomes a bright but powerful reminder of all they have endured together.
2. Similar communication styles
The healthiest couples tend to approach difficult conversations in sync. For some, that means discussing issues as soon as they arise. For others, it means giving each other space to process before regrouping.
Either approach will work. The important thing is that both partners are on the same page.
No one feels blindsided or ignored because we agree on when and how to revisit difficult issues. Sharing these expectations is the only way two people can trust each other and keep it from disappearing when things get tough.
3. Adjustment of social needs
Not all couples are made up of two extroverts or two homely people who are a perfect match. However, healthy couples usually agree on how much social interaction they feel is appropriate.
We rarely debate whether to go out or stay home because we both have similar restrictions. They are often on the same page about how much energy they want to spend on parties, dinners, and family events.
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And when they want different things, for example, one wants to see friends and the other needs to recharge, they handle it without feeling guilty or frustrated. We don’t drag each other down, make passive-aggressive comments, or punish each other for needing different things.
This sense of balance prevents their social life from becoming a recurring source of tension.
4. Curiosity about art and culture
Another thread that runs through our strong relationship is our shared curiosity about art and culture. Happy couples don’t need to have the same playlists or favorite authors, but they do value exploring together.
They go to concerts, try new restaurants, and watch movies they haven’t seen yet. Even if we have different tastes, we are interested in each other’s opinions.
That openness means that cultural experiences are not greeted with a negative attitude of “why do you like that?” Rather, they are a source of connection and healthy discussion.
5. Mutual interest
This is simple, but often overlooked. Healthy couples maintain a genuine interest in each other.
There’s no “chasing”, no games, no imbalance of who keeps the affection. Attention only flows in both directions. They keep flirting, complimenting, and asking each other questions even when they already know the answers.
It is this wide-ranging, loving curiosity that makes them feel noticed and wanted. No one should have to compete for the other’s affection. They love each other freely and often. Opposites may attract, but shared values and curiosity can help the relationship last.
Dr. Mark Travers is a psychologist specializing in human relationships. He holds degrees from Cornell University and the University of Colorado Boulder. He is the lead psychologist at Awake Therapy, a telemedicine company that provides online psychotherapy, counseling, and coaching. He is also the curator of Therapytips.org, a popular mental health and wellness website.
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