Building trust is the goal of most couples. We all want to feel understood and connected to the person we are building our lives with.
One of the biggest factors in achieving this is communication. As a clinical psychologist, I see that the happiest couples always take the time to show interest, check in, create space to be honest, and find small ways to make each other feel acknowledged.
Here are eight questions they regularly ask each other to build emotional safety.
1. “Is there anything special happening today?”
Life moves so quickly that it’s hard enough to keep track of your partner’s schedule, let alone your own. Regular check-ins help couples stay aligned and show that you care about what’s important to each other.
You can also ask:
“How was your day today?” “Did anything unusual happen today?”
2. “How can I express my gratitude?”
Gratitude doesn’t always have to look grand or romantic. Sometimes it might be doing the chores your partner is dreading, buying their favorite snack, or making your evening easier after a busy day.
When you ask your partner how they most want to be appreciated, you’re learning how to express love in the way they want and need.
You can also ask:
“What can make you feel supported today?” “What can make you feel especially appreciated right now?”
3. “Do you want my opinion or just to be heard?”
This is one of the most helpful questions your partner can ask. People talk for different reasons. Sometimes you want help solving a problem, and other times you just want to vent and feel understood. Emotionally attuned partners often ask what the other person needs in that moment.
You can also ask:
“Can I give you some feedback? Or do you want to vent now?”
4. “How can I help?”
Sometimes the best thing you can offer is practical help rather than a solution. That might mean taking something off your child’s plate, cuddling with them, or giving them space to rest. Even if your partner says, “I’m fine,” asking this question lets them know they don’t have to go through everything alone.
You can also ask:
“Is there anything I can do to make your day easier?” “Can I run some errands and get some rest?”
5. “Could you please make some time to talk?”
Between work, family responsibilities, and daily life, many couples spend more time managing their lives than actually talking about how they’re doing. A low-stress time when you can focus on each other is ideal, like 20 minutes after dinner or a walk on a Saturday morning.
You can also ask:
“I would like to set aside some time this week to contact you. When is it convenient for you?” “Could we set aside some time on Friday to talk?”
6. “How do you think we are doing these days?”
Talking about the state of our relationships can be difficult. Because we don’t want to be vulnerable or rehash old arguments. But in order to repair when something difficult happens, it’s important to check your partner’s perception of the health of the relationship.
You can also ask:
“Is there anything that’s hard for us right now?” “What feels particularly good between us right now?”
7. “What would be fun to do together?”
The healthiest relationships are based on play and shared joy. You can bond over anything from listening to a new album, going on a road trip, watching the next season of your favorite TV show, or even cooking a new recipe together.
You can also ask:
“What’s something fun to bring home that I haven’t done in a while?” “Is there a movie, show, or concert you’d like to see?”
8. “Are you working on a bigger theme?”
In a long-term relationship, you are very likely to see your partner go through many stages of life characterized by growth in different areas. Asking directly what your partner is working on, is working on, or what themes they’re working on in their mind can help you stay present to your partner as they change over time.
You can also ask:
“What have you been thinking about a lot lately?” “Do you feel like you’ve changed in the past year?”
Dr. Courtney S. Warren is a licensed psychologist and author of the new book “Letting Go of Your Ex.” She specializes in romantic relationships, addictive behavior, and honesty. She earned her doctorate in clinical psychology from Texas A&M University and completed her clinical training at Harvard Medical School. Follow her on Instagram @DrCortneyWarren or Twitter @DrCortneyWarren.
Want to lead with confidence and bring out the best in your team? Take CNBC’s new online course, How to Become an Exceptional Leader. Expert instructors share practical strategies to help you build trust, communicate clearly, and motivate others to do their best work. Sign up now!
